A Brief Appearance

Merry Christmas! I am a little late in this greeting, sorry about that. I am in Chiang Mai staying with some friends, so I haven't been surfing the net much. I thought I'd make a brief appearance on-line today though. I had a really good Christmas. It's nice to spend Christmas with a family, to have children around to squeal and giggle as they open their presents. My friends up here have been so wonderful to David and I. I do miss everyone from home though. I love you guys, and I hope your holiday has been great.

I have been having a great time with Dave here. It's so much more fun to be in Thailand with Dave. We have had all kinds of little adventures, but maybe I'll write more about those when i have time to write.

A tsunami struck our shores Monday morning. It struck the beaches that several of my friends were staying at. One of them had her whole family with her on the island that suffered the most devastation in this country. I haven't heard anything from them yet, but communication is bad right now. Please pray for them if you think of it.

Overwhelmed

Sometimes I feel like I will never be whole. I am pulled in so many different directions. Everywhere I go I leave a part of me behind. Everywhere I go I always miss something, someone, but I am drawn on. It's this crazy paradox that has become my life. I don't fully understand it. I don't know if I ever will. Sometimes I feel so human that I think I am going to burst. Sometimes I wish I could step outside of my humanity and just do what God wants me to do, instead of having to feel it all, but then I remember that He feels it all with me. He offers the ultimate empathy, because He is there, in the midst, feeling it all right along with me. I love that He is not just this distant, impersonal God who watches from above like a warehouse supervisor with His checklist. He's on the floor. He's involved. He's there.

An interesting blog:

toi la nguoi

Bring an End to the Stress

I got the greatest care package ever from my best friend this week. It was full of real coffee, and good chocolate, two of my favorite things in life. I think I can survive here for sure with supplies like that coming across the border! When I opened it my roomate saw the contents and raise her eyebrows, "She sure knows you well." I love it! Thanks for the survival package, Mandy. It totally brightens a stressful week.

Thank goodness that after tomorrow my school's Grand Opening Expo, and Christmas Program will be over. I will be so relieved. It is such an event! They have been building all kinds of random things for the event. They brought in a ton of huge pavillion-like tents. Workers have been working on the grounds and buildings forever. The stress just keeps building. After tomorrow it will be over. Whew!!! What a relief that will be.

After that my brother will be here!!! I can't wait to have him here. The comfort factor of having a family member around is huge. He's like a shelter from daily comments and criticism that I constantly get in my work environment (which I rarely ecscape since I live on the same floor with my employers). I know he loves me, and that he'll be on my side. It's nice to have someone like that. I hate feeling like I am always hanging out there on my own. When my brother's around I don't.

A Pretty Darn Good Fool

Tonight was the Christmas party for my evening ESL class. It was soooo much fun. I love my evening students. That is the part of being here that I like. I love being friends with these people. They are so wonderful to me. They are so kind and gracious. After the party I went out to another party that the teachers of the school that I teach at in the day and it's sister school were having in the lawn of the school. We just blared music and danced, for the rest of the evening. I can't dance, but I can make a pretty darn good fool when I try, so I tried, and had a blast. Now I am exhausted and I have a couple of stressful days ahead of me, so I am going to bed.

Renewed Perspective

Two days ago I had a really long chat (on-line) with a friend of mine from Egypt. Everytime we talk, he challenges and encourages me. He always makes me think. He is never confrontational or accusing, but what he says and his perspective on things always seems to challenge or change mine. It is so good to talk to him.

I told him about some of my frustrations and struggles here. I really struggle with the administration at the school that I work at. They honestly make me crazy. I also struggle almost daily with missing friends, family, and my culture. It's not easy to live in another country, another culture, especially at the beginning. The adjustment period seems to be the hardest for me. It was nice to be honest with him, to not pretend to be doing better than I am. He really encouraged me though, and reminded me of why I am here.

I am happy to be here. It is such a priveledge to be able to live and work here, to be able to be a part of people's lives here. I tend to grumble and complain about all the stress and issues that I have here, but honestly, everytime I walk into the Kindergarten class, and little munchkins launch themselves through the air at me joyfully shouting "Miss SaLAH, Miss SaLAH all of the stress and issues fade away. When I leave a classroom feeling like my students actually learned something, I am jubulant. After the adult ESL classes that I teach in the evenings, I always feel so fulfilled. I know that God brought me here. I know that He had a reason in doing it. I really am thankful to be here. I am thankful to serve a God that know the purpose in our struggles, and Who feels the pain of them too.

Missin' Christmas

I'm feelin a bit homesick for Christmas. I'm missing the snow, the decorations, the parties, the music... I'm missing my family and friends. I miss the whole feel of Christmas. Whimper whimper. As I it here typing this, thinking about Christmas and all that goes with it, buddhist monks are walking along the street outside of my window in their bright orange togas. It's really cool to see that every morning, and even cooler to have the opportunity to be a part of the lives of the people here. They are amazing, and I do love it, but I'm still a totally girl. I still miss home. I am going to try not to think about it though. I am going to enjoy this right now, and next year I will enjoy being home. That's the plan at least.

Cockroaches and Mosquitoes

I share my home. I am benevolent enough to share my home, (I really don't have much choice) and the unusually large, exceptionally ugly six legged creatures that I share it with don't even show any gratitude. It's actually quite annoying, and I wish they would find another home, but they seem quite satisfied with the one that they've got. The other residents of my home are just plain vicious. They feast on my flesh whenever they get the chance, leaving big red welts all over my body, that itche for days. Annoying.

One More Week

Only one more week before my brother gets here, and I am going to have most of the vacation time that was promised to me. Thanks God he's coming and thank God I get to hang otu with him. I am so excited. It will be so nice to have him here. I want to show him everything, but there's definately not enough time for that, so we'll just do what we can. It will be so nice to have family here, someone who has known me longer than a couple of months.

Last night I stayed in and watched movies with my roomate. Man I hope she stays here when she comes back after New Years. It would really suck to lose her. I am so glad she's here right now. It's nice to have someone else to decorate, and plan with during the Christmas season. We made french toast for dinner and watched movies. I made fried apples while we watched White Christmas. The whole place smelled like apples and cinnamon. It was so relaxing. I love the movie White Christmas. Call me a sap, but for me it's classic. I may even watch it again before the season ends.

So now back to school. This week is going to be pretty high stress. Saturday is our Grand Opening ceremony and our Christmas production. With the lack of communication and planning that we deal with here it's sure to be a very stressful time and an interesting event. I can't wait until it's over.

Distance...

I haven't written in a while. I've been running non-stop and I really don't have anything worth writing anyway. I would love to vent, because there is plenty to complain about, but I already do that far too much. I am trying to learn to bite my tongue when it comes to complaining, but sometimes it's really hard.

I've talked to friends and family from home a little lately. That's been nice. It always reminds me of how big the gap between us is though, how different my life is from theirs. I live in another world here. Sometimes it's exciting. Sometimes it makes me sad. Sometimes it's just surreal. There is a place that used to be so real to me, where people live who mean so much to me, and a way of life that was my own, but now it's beginning to seem distant and hazy. There people sleep while I work, and work while I sleep. I wish them good morning right before I go to bed for the night. They are wearing coats and scarves, while I sweat in a tank top. It is all very strange. I am sure that when I move back it will take me no time to jump right back into the swing of things, but sometimes hearing about it while I am here makes it seem so distant. How very odd.

Highlights and Stress

I went away for the weekend, and it was a lot of fun. I was the only English speaker in the whole group, so there were definitely language issues and a lot of laughter as a result. I had no clue what was going on ever, I just followed familiar faces. We did all the typical Thai stuff that I hadn't done yet. We rode elephants, went bamboo rafting, and visited temples. We even slept on the river in a bamboo raft / hut. We went to the bridge across the River Kwai, the one that was built by Allied POW's for the Japanese during WWII. We also went to the cemetery of the soldiers who died there. I must have been emotional, because as soon as I walked into the cemetery, the history of the place and the messages on the headstones overwhelmed me and I started bawling. I couldn't stop until I had walked out of the cemetery. The people I was with didn't quite know what to do with me. They kept glancing at me anxiously. When we left the cemetery some of the ladies put flowers in my hair, and told me I was "suh-why," beautiful. That was a sweet expression of comfort.

Last night when I came home though I went back into the slump of Saturday. My roommate hasn't been here this weekend, so it's been a little lonely. I am not looking forward to the point when she leaves for good. I don't know why, but I just don't feel like I fit in with the people here. They are all really nice, but I just don't fit into their circle. Sometimes I just really miss my family and friends from home.

Sometimes the idea of going home makes me nervous. My biggest concern is the job thing. Will I be able to get a decent job when I get home? And if I do, will I like it, or will I be completely miserable in it? What will it be like living at home as an adult. It's gonna be weird. I am totally used to doing my own thing. Will I be able to afford life in the U.S.? It will be really weird going back to that kind of economy again. I live quite comfortably here on the salary that I have, things are a lot different in the States. I probably shouldn't be worrying about it all already, but I am pretty good about worrying ahead. Stress.

A Two-foot Tree

I met that a pastor from the U.S. downtown today for breakfast. It was nice to chat with him. It made me realize though, what a different world I live in here. I am not sure what it was about the conversation that triggered that feeling. I suddenly felt really out of touch with America. It was quite strange. After he left I spent the rest of the day wandering around Bangkok by myself. It was kind of nice to just wander without rhyme or reason, all by myself in the city. I got to explore neighborhoods that I hadn't seen before. I wandered around some really ritzy touristy areas. Bangkok has some nice areas. I also wandered around other areas that were not dripping with the same amount of wealth as the ritzy areas. I felt a little more comfortable there.

While I was out I bought a Christmas cd, a two-foot tree, and some decorations for it. When I came home I borrowed a cd player, put on my cd, and decorated my little sitting room for Christmas. It was exciting, but it also made me a little homesick. I have been doing good lately, but tonight I am slipping a little. I think I am just tired and emotional.

Tomorrow I leave at 6 a.m. for a province a little north of here. Some of my evening students are taking me away for two days. It's going to be fun, and probably pretty funny, since there will definately be langauge issues. I hope that it's a little relaxing. I need some R&R.

Any Requests?

I am feeling overwhelmed. I have so much going on that I don't have time to sleep. I think that's probably how everybody feels at this time of year, but I am not even living in the land of Christmas. My problem is that I don't know how to say no. I misjudge my limits. I want to do everything for and with everyone, and I go overboard. I have been sick for about 9 days now, and I think it's just because I never stop to sleep. I am excited that it is the weekend, but even in the weekend there is no stopping. I am just doing less regulated stuff. Man, I need to learn to prioritize!

I am getting so excited about Christmas!!! Eventhough it's not like Christmas at home, I love the challenge of making my life in this place Christmassy. I'm also pretty excited that my brother is coming. That may have something to do with it. I am going downtown today to meet a guy who my mother knows from the States. I am meeting him for breakfast. Maybe I can do some Christmas shopping while I am down there. I am going to do a lot of Christmas shopping while my bro is here too so that I can send stuff home with him. I am not sure what to get everybody though, so all of you reading this, leave your requests in the comment box.

Friday

It's Friday! What a wonderful ring that has to it. Ah Friday. Such a wonderful day. Quite possibly my favorite day of the week. It would make sense that Saturday would be my favorite day because I have the whole day off, but I think I like Friday even better than Saturday. I love the potential that Friday represents. I love standing at the beginning of the weekend and looking at all the possibilities it holds. T G I F!

Deck the Halls

I got a package today from my grandparents of wrapped Christmas presents! I am so excited!!! I heard I had gotten a package so I went home on my lunch break just to see what it was, and that's what I got. I was bouncing off the walls for the rest of the day. I am such a child. I took them immediately upstairs to my little sitting room and arranged them very nicely on my coffee table. They make my little home look like Christmas! I refuse to open them before Christmas Day. I want them to sit there on that table calling to me tauntingly throughout the whole season just like the ones under the tree at home do. I hope one of them is Grandma's apple butter! Hers is my favorite and I have been craving it since I got here and I have been talking about it to everyone here. They had never even heard of apple butter! They are probably tired of hearing about it now though. The presents inspired me to go out after school today and buy some of those little twinkle lights to put up in my sitting room / bed room area. Hopefully I can find some other stuff to decorate with as well. I may be in Thailand, but it's still Christmas!!!

Bad Attitude

To add to my not-so-great attitude about working here I just found out that the two weeks paid vacation that I was promised for Christmas has just been shortened to one. Not too excited about that! I wouldn't be so upset about that if my brother weren't coming all the way to Thailand for the break, but he is, so I'm struggling once again with my attitude about working here. How can they change something like that three weeks before it's supposed to happen? What's the deal? I admire people who are motivated, but when you are so driven that you are running people over and crushing them, it's not quite so admirable. I am not just talking about me. I hate watching the people around me get run itno the ground because of somebody's own personal ambition. Lord, help me with my attitude.

My Day

My roommate and I joined two of the GES teachers and went to a Thai church today in a bit of a slummy area towards downtown. I felt more at home there than at just about any other church that I've been to here. It totally reminded me why I am here. It was a small congregation that met in the middle of this old mall building that was partially open to the out doors. I felt completely comfortable worshipping there. There were no pretenses, no airs. The people there were real and welcoming. Some farong were in the congregation. They were all fluent in Thai. One lady translated for us. I immediately felt like I was in the midst of friends. The people there were approachable and warm. Their purpose is to reach out. They were casual, they didn't make you feel uncomfortable if you weren't dressed a certain way or if you didn't behave a certain way. I loved it. I'll definitely being going back again.

This afternoon I went to the Ministry of Health with my roommate, Gift, and Mink to swim. It was a lot of fun. I was actually cold in the water. I get excited about being cold here because it never happens.

Tonight, while everybody was gathered around the TV watching Charlie Brown's Christmas, I served them the apple cake that I had made yesterday. When the movie was over we all sang Christmas carols. I know it sounds cheesy, but I am missing the whole feel of the Christmas season, so I am willing to be a bit cheesy every so often.

Tomorrow it's back to work. I wish I didn't dread it so much. I love Thailand, but man I don't like my job very much. I like my students and I like teaching them, but I really don't like the working environment here. I do my job to support myself, but my real passion here is teaching my evening class. I am also hoping to get involved in some outreach stuff that the church that I went to today is involved in. I guess that I can't have one without the other.

A Kaleidoscope of Thoughts

Today was such a chill day. It was really nice. I hung out in my building all day. I talked to my brother on the phone this morning, and then random things around the house. This had been the never-ending week. It's been so long and draining. It was nice to go nowhere and do nothing today. It was nice to accomplish things that I needed to accomplish with out being watched or criticized as I worked. I love days off.

Last night my evening ESL students took me out to a festival at the river. It was a lot of fun. I love hanging out with them. They totally treated me to the whole entire night. The river area was beautiful. We went to a park. There was a carnival and random shows set up around the grounds, and a bit of a night market going on. All the colorful lights made it so festive and pretty. It was a really good night.

My roommate did a visa run to Cambodia today. She came back pretty somber. She said that just seeing the extreme conditions there that the people live in really puts life into perspective. She talked a little about the poverty and hopelessness there. It was really sad. I was reminded of how trivial my problems are. It made me kind of want to do relief work there. I have so many random ideas all the time though. Who knows if anything will come of it.

It was good to talk to my brother this morning. I love that we're family and we're such good friends. I love that he knows me so well and yet he still loves me. I love that we can talk about anything, that we understand each other so well, and that we have so much in common. I miss him a lot. I am so happy that he is coming for Christmas though. I am really excited that I will be able to share this part of my life with him, that he will be able to see who I am here and how I live. I love that when I go home I will have someone who I can talk about life here with, and he will be able to identify with me a bit because he's been here and seen it. He really is such a blessing.

God really spoiled me with the people He's put in my life. Each one is so special and so unique. I have the most remarkable friends and family, so many people who love and pray for me, so many people whom I love and pray for. They are scattered all over the place too. All over North America and the world. It truly is amazing.

Ramblings

Tonight my little community of farong is having a Thanksgiving dinner. I am looking forward to it with a twinge of homesickness. I am really glad we are having Thanksgiving here, because I was really missing the whole holiday season. I made an apple pie for the event. It's strange that baking can be nastalgic. I haven't baked since I got here, and I bake all the time when I am at home. It was fun to bake because it made me really feel like I was preparing for Thankgiving, but it made me miss being in the kitchen with my mom during the holiday season. Thankfully my roomate came back from her weekend get-a-way and joined me in the kitchen. That made it fun. I am quite happy to have her back. She is talking about leaving before Christmas though. That will stink. I really like having her here.

Last night after I finished teaching my evening class I joined with (the other evening ESL teacher) David's class in his going away party. Man, am I going to miss him! I know his students are going to miss him. He's been here almost as long as me, and it feels like he should stay as long as me. Our little group of friends is going to have a huge hole in it when he leaves. Today is his Birthday so we are going to have a little luncheon for him with the evening ESL staff.

I have this issue with getting attatched to people and places, and then leaving them. I can't seem to stay in one place for very long, but I am always homesick for someplace, someone or something. I like it here in Thailand (it took me a while) and I know that when I leave here I am really going to be homesick for this place and these people, but while I am here I am homesick for my home, my family, friends, and culture. I am also homesick for Egypt. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. Right now this is home to me, Over the summer our little apartment in Cairo was home. Before that Virginia was home, and it just keeps going. Of course my parents house is always home to me, but I feel like a splintered person. Part of me is always missing something. I have been at home in so many places that no place feels like it is completely home. I wonder if it will be like this forever.

To Tom

Happy Birthday!!!