A Continuation of Christmas

Christmas was wonderful, although I haven't fully relinquished my hold on the holiday yet, so in my little unimportant world the holiday season continues. The festivities shall continue through the New Year and beyond.

I tried to shop today, but as I entered the first store I had a change of heart, and decided to spare my heart and just go home. I hadn't seen my home since Christmas morning anyway. It's been nice having a couple of days with friends and family, but an evening at home may be nice. My house is crying out for a little bit of attention, especially my bedroom. It's looking rough. Maybe I'll be inspired to do something about that today. Of course then again, maybe not.

Christmas Eve Eve

Tomorrow's Christmas Eve, and have I wrapped a single gift yet? No. Have I even finished me Christmas shopping? Nope! Will I? Eventually. I can't believe it's almost over already. I was planning to savor and enjoy every moment of it, and ... Puff! It's gone. How does that happen? I've been working a lot. But it hasn't been an overwhelming amount of work. I have no idea how it has all gone. And I am unprepared as usual. Welcome to the life of me. Well, Merry Christmas anyway!!!

Winter Insulation

There's less than two weeks until Christmas, and I haven't even started my Christmas shopping. I am way behind. I have no idea how I'm going to get it all done either. I just can't seem to find the time to get everything done. I just may have to get creative with things.

The snow has been falling like crazy here. It totally puts me in the Christmas mood. We decorated the Christmas tree today. It's been up for a while now with lights and cranberries, but today we finally put up the ornaments. (I put one up for you Jase - the hand painted one with your name on it.) We have been baking like crazy. Our kitchen is overflowing with Christmas cakes, cookies, and candies. My dad made this English toffee that is amazing. Nothing like Christmas goodies to pack on the pounds and provide some good winter insulation.

I am looking into my back yard as I write, and I am watching a doe chewing on our shrubbery. She's coming right down to our dining room doors. Deer never come that close to the house. What a funny little thing.

Jobs, jobs

I worked with my kids today. As usual it was wonderful, rewarding, and enjoyable. Right now I am working random jobs to make money while I search for "the real job". The thing is, all of my random, non-real jobs are wonderful, and I enjoy them so much! If you put all of my hours together from all of my jobs, I'm working more than full time. It almost makes me not want to get a real job. Ok, I don't want to get a real job, but that nagging sense of responsibility demands that I continue the search for one. Until I get one, however, I will continue to enjoy my days with the kids and my days at the shop.

Oh Tanenbaum

My family went to the tree lot and picked out a Christmas tree today. It was a numbing experience. My extremities have not thawed yet. I discovered that
picking out a Christmas tree to please the whole family is not always easy. Everyone has their own taste in Christmas trees. I like stiffer trees, the kind where you can hang an ornament and it won't slide off fifteen times because of flimsy branches. I like Christmas trees that are shaped like christmas trees, not like over grown bushes. I like them to be tall and full, but triangular, not round. Not everyone agrees with my taste. We ended up finding one that everybody approved of. It's actually very nice. I can't wait to decorate it.

I am bound and determined to enjoy the holiday season to its fullest this year, especially since I didn't really have one last year. Even dumb little things that nobody cares about are huge events for me this year. I refuse to listen to music that isn't Christmas music. At work I refuse to create packages or gift baskets that aren't Christmassy (no orders for Hannukah baskets yet). I definately wouldn't let my family just go out and pick up a tree without me. I had to be part of the process, browsing and delkiberating ovver which tree would best suit our needs and (of course) my taste. I even tolerate freezing temperatures for the experience.

As Christmas crazy as I have been this year, I have not done much Christmas shopping yet. First the money just wasn't available, and now the time isn't there. I'm also struggling for ideas. One thing about last year's Christmas season: the Christmas shopping was so much fun. Having Dave in Thailand with me, wandering through the markets, finding all kinds of random and somewhat exotic novelties to buy for people at home. It was a blast. This year it's back to America's malls and high prices. But that's part of being home for the holidays, so I can't complain. Eventually I will get the shopping dne, and then I will have a blast wrapping all the presents.

Shiver

We had Bible study at my house tonight. I think it went well. We have been doing a Sunday night, young adults Bible study at my house for a couple of months now. I really enjoy doing it. Of course we hang out and eat. That always adds to the enjoyment of an event.

I have had my first driving-in-the-snow experience of the season. Actually for me this was the first in years. I was a little freaked out. I made Tom come with me and talk me through the process. Eventually I'll get used to this winter thing again... maybe that will happen when I begin to feel my fingers, toes, and nose again... sometime in May? Anyway, despite the scarey driving conditions, it's all very pretty, although my view of it has been a little blurry. The perpetual shivering that I have been experiencing since somewhere in the middle of November seems to blur my vision. I am excited about Christmas, however. It will be nice to be back home for the holidays again this year, winter or not.

I have been working everyday but Sunday lately. I really love my jobs though. I love the children that I work with. They are all adorable. I have also been working at a gift/ coffee/ candy shop. That is a ton of fun. I manage the store while the owner works at the candy house. We make hot drinks, ice cream, baked goods, and gift baskets, etc. She gives me complete creative freedom. I have so much fun with it. Honestly, by the end of the day I am always left wondering where the time has gone. It's been great.

Quick Blip

I am in Lebanon, PA with Debbie and family for Thanksgiving. I bought a winter coat today. It's as orange as my shoes. I am so excited. My leather coats just weren't keeping me warm. Anyway, now I will look like a winter tangerine walking around this season.

So my family just bought a new computer this week and they are contemplating a decent internet service. The small-town dial-up thing is more frustration than it is worth. Maybe if my actually concedes that we need high-speed internet I'll actually be online again. One can hope.

I am going to work at a coffee/gift shop this Christmas season to suppliment my tutoring income. I get as much free coffee as I want while I am on shift. This could get dangerous. I am excited.

This is so me

I took another one of those tests:

The Peacemaker (the Nine)
Peacemakers are receptive, good-natured, and supportive. They seek union with others and the world around them.

How to Get Along with Me

If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don't like expectations or pressure.
I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advatage of this.
Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit.
Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It's OK to nudge me gently and nonjudgmentally.
Ask me questions to help me get clear.
Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery.
Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings.
I like a good discussion but not a confrontation.
Let me know you like what I've done or said.
Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life.


What I Like About Being a Nine

being nonjudgmental and accepting
caring for and being concerned about others
being able to relax and have a good time
knowing that most people enjoy my company; I'm easy to be around
my ability to see many different sides of an issue and to be a good mediator and facilitator
my heightened awareness of sensations, aesthetics, and the here and now
being able to go with the flow and feel one with the universe


What's Hard About Being a Nine (The negatives are definitely me.)

being judged and misunderstood for being placid and/or indecisive
being critical of myself for lacking initiative and discipline
being too sensitive to criticism; taking every raised eyebrow and twitch of the mouth personally
being confused about what I really want
caring too much about what others will think of me
not being listened to or taken seriously

Back at Lin's

So I'm at Lindsay's again,and therefore I can post. Jase and Tom are back in town. Life is wonderful. I have missed Jase soooo much, it's good to have him around again (if only for the week). It's good to hangout with Tom too although he's mainly preoccupied. Jase had me convinced to come back to CO with him earlier today, and then my mother reminded me of previously made obligations and destroyed those plans. It would have been so fun. Oh well. I guess I should stick around here and do something with myself. I really do want to get out there and bond with the guys at some point though.

So I Took J's Test

J, I think I enjoy these things as much as you do. Unfortunately Teacher was not on the list of possible jobs for me. Hmmm.


Career Inventory Test Results


Extroversion ||||||||||||||||||||| 63%
Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||| 50%
Orderliness ||||||||| 30%
Altruism ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Inquisitiveness ||||||||||||||| 50%




You are an Inspirer, possible professions include - conference planner, speech pathologist, HR development trainer, ombudsman, clergy, journalist, newscaster, career counselor, housing director, character actor, marketing consultant, musician/composer, artist, information-graphics designer, human resource manager, merchandise planner, advertising account manager, dietitian/nutritionist, speech pathologist, massage therapist, editor/art director.

A Brief Hello

I'm at Lindsay's where there is a functioning computer and decent internet access, so I decided to make use of it and actually post. I feel more cut off from the web at my parents home in the U.S. than I did when I was living in Thailand. How sad is that? Anyway, two of the boys are coming home this weekend!!!! I am so excited. Dave's coming home too, and he's bring his girlfriend. It's going to be a reunion!!! I can't wait! Now, time to find a job...

OBX'n It

So I'm bonding with my family and the sun on the Outer Banks right now. Fun times. Before too long all of my extended family will arrive and the noise index will increase dramatically, and hopefully so will the fun. It's nice to be back for a family tradition. I haven't been down here in four years. It will be good to see people who I haven't seen in ages.

Update

I know I haven't posted in ages. Sorry about that. I've been pretty busy lately, which I think has been good for me. Since my last post I spent a couple of weeks on the side of a highway in Philadelphia helping my brother to run a fireworks tent, spent a couple of weeks out east bonding with my Egyptian family, did dramas and medical clinics in Nicaragua with a team from my church, taught children at an Arabic conference, and bonded with the whole extended Egyptian family at Ocean City. I haven't been home much at all, but I think that's been good for me. Tomorrow I leave to spend two weeks with my family on the OuterBanks of NC. I haven't spent too much time with my family since I've been back from overseas, so this will be fun. The second week the while extended family will join us. Some of them I haven't seen in four years or more. I'm kind of excited. After all of that is over though, real life hits. That's not so exciting, but it's about time I face it. So here goes...

sunlight in the hole

So I'm trying this week to stay out of that hole as much as possible, but living in the light of day isn't incredibly easy or comfortable. The hole is appealing. Why are some things so hard? I don't understand myself.

that hole

Do you ever feel so insecure and inadequate that you'd just rather back up into a hole, hide yourself, and watch life from the opening, than participate somewhere where you can be seen and are vulnerable to attack? Eh, but life doesn't happen in that hole, and so I will do my best to drag myself into the light of day until at some point I am comfortable there again.

sunshine

Thank God for the sunshine. If a sunny day can be this depressing can you imagine what a rainy day would be like?

It's been a while...

So I haven't written in a while. Why? Mostly because I don't feel the need to share my psychological distress with the world via the internet. Also because my computer is a dinosaur that is in the process of fossilization and often won't let me post.

What have I been up to lately?
A million meaningless things that both amuse and depress me.

What do you do when people you care about add to your distress and you can't even talk to them about it? I guess you just fake it until you can get over it, until you can climb out of the pit you're in. I'm not very good at faking things though. It only last so long. Sometimes just ignoring things works, but then people bring them to your attention, and remind you that you are in that pit that you were pretending was a castle. How do you climb out of it? Every time I think I've found a ladder it collapses under my wieght. Everytime it collapses I look ridiculous to the crowd of friends at the top of the pit who watch me fall and land on my face. They pretend that they want to help me but the ropes they lower have rotted and crumble as I reach for them. In the end I resent their pity, and determine to make the pit my home.

Shoot Me

Today I bonded with my best friend all day. We went shoppping. I hate shopping, but sometimes it's necessary, and it'always better to do it when you have your mother's gift cards and a little moral support. We also went out for coffee where I think I had most of an emotional breakdown. Jason, this is what happens when you leave me here to survive this place without you. I have had quite a number of emotional breakdowns lately. I am not good at adjusting to change, and yet I seem to be the queen of change. I don't understand myself.

Where is the balance?

I can blog!!! For the first time in weeks my home computer is letting me post! This poor decrepit machine is struggling.

The wedding this past weekend was beautiful. Two of my closest friends from my school in Florida got married. Theirs is the kind of relationship that left me no doubts or concerns when they headed to the altar. Marraige seems pretty scary to me. So many of my friends have gotten married only to encounter major problems which either make the institution miserable or simply break it up. I guess marraige is never a sure thing, but I feel pretty good about this one. I'm really happy for them. As for me, well, I have another lovely bridesmaid's dress to decorate my closet with.

Now I'm home and back to the task of reorganizing my room, and somehow making it work for me. I think that culture shock is starting to catch up with me finally. I have begun to find some things hard to reconcile, American materialism for one. I have to once again find my place in this society that puts such an emphasis on things, on what you have, and how you look. I feel like I don't fit. I'm not as cute as all the other girls I see. I don't have the trendy clothes. I drive a ten year old car (to which I have quite an attatchment). I don't own a cell phone. Half of me feels like a bum for this. It makes me feel insecure. But the other half of me is proud of it. I'm not sure which is right. I'm not sure where the balance is found. Americans have things. It's part of the culture. Most people would have no idea how to live without their things. I wouldn't know how to live without most of my things. But is that healthy?

I find myself looking around me and feeling inferior because of what I lack. The battle has begun. I see things. I want things, but do I need them? Am I less of a person because of what I don't have? Of course not, I know that, but I still find myself struggling with that dumb insecurity. I feel guilty for that insecurity though, because I realize how shallow it is. I have a hard time reconciling the things that I have because of all of the people who I know who have so much less than I have. Where is the balance? What is the right view?