sunlight in the hole

So I'm trying this week to stay out of that hole as much as possible, but living in the light of day isn't incredibly easy or comfortable. The hole is appealing. Why are some things so hard? I don't understand myself.

that hole

Do you ever feel so insecure and inadequate that you'd just rather back up into a hole, hide yourself, and watch life from the opening, than participate somewhere where you can be seen and are vulnerable to attack? Eh, but life doesn't happen in that hole, and so I will do my best to drag myself into the light of day until at some point I am comfortable there again.

sunshine

Thank God for the sunshine. If a sunny day can be this depressing can you imagine what a rainy day would be like?

It's been a while...

So I haven't written in a while. Why? Mostly because I don't feel the need to share my psychological distress with the world via the internet. Also because my computer is a dinosaur that is in the process of fossilization and often won't let me post.

What have I been up to lately?
A million meaningless things that both amuse and depress me.

What do you do when people you care about add to your distress and you can't even talk to them about it? I guess you just fake it until you can get over it, until you can climb out of the pit you're in. I'm not very good at faking things though. It only last so long. Sometimes just ignoring things works, but then people bring them to your attention, and remind you that you are in that pit that you were pretending was a castle. How do you climb out of it? Every time I think I've found a ladder it collapses under my wieght. Everytime it collapses I look ridiculous to the crowd of friends at the top of the pit who watch me fall and land on my face. They pretend that they want to help me but the ropes they lower have rotted and crumble as I reach for them. In the end I resent their pity, and determine to make the pit my home.