Deck the Halls

I got a package today from my grandparents of wrapped Christmas presents! I am so excited!!! I heard I had gotten a package so I went home on my lunch break just to see what it was, and that's what I got. I was bouncing off the walls for the rest of the day. I am such a child. I took them immediately upstairs to my little sitting room and arranged them very nicely on my coffee table. They make my little home look like Christmas! I refuse to open them before Christmas Day. I want them to sit there on that table calling to me tauntingly throughout the whole season just like the ones under the tree at home do. I hope one of them is Grandma's apple butter! Hers is my favorite and I have been craving it since I got here and I have been talking about it to everyone here. They had never even heard of apple butter! They are probably tired of hearing about it now though. The presents inspired me to go out after school today and buy some of those little twinkle lights to put up in my sitting room / bed room area. Hopefully I can find some other stuff to decorate with as well. I may be in Thailand, but it's still Christmas!!!

Bad Attitude

To add to my not-so-great attitude about working here I just found out that the two weeks paid vacation that I was promised for Christmas has just been shortened to one. Not too excited about that! I wouldn't be so upset about that if my brother weren't coming all the way to Thailand for the break, but he is, so I'm struggling once again with my attitude about working here. How can they change something like that three weeks before it's supposed to happen? What's the deal? I admire people who are motivated, but when you are so driven that you are running people over and crushing them, it's not quite so admirable. I am not just talking about me. I hate watching the people around me get run itno the ground because of somebody's own personal ambition. Lord, help me with my attitude.

My Day

My roommate and I joined two of the GES teachers and went to a Thai church today in a bit of a slummy area towards downtown. I felt more at home there than at just about any other church that I've been to here. It totally reminded me why I am here. It was a small congregation that met in the middle of this old mall building that was partially open to the out doors. I felt completely comfortable worshipping there. There were no pretenses, no airs. The people there were real and welcoming. Some farong were in the congregation. They were all fluent in Thai. One lady translated for us. I immediately felt like I was in the midst of friends. The people there were approachable and warm. Their purpose is to reach out. They were casual, they didn't make you feel uncomfortable if you weren't dressed a certain way or if you didn't behave a certain way. I loved it. I'll definitely being going back again.

This afternoon I went to the Ministry of Health with my roommate, Gift, and Mink to swim. It was a lot of fun. I was actually cold in the water. I get excited about being cold here because it never happens.

Tonight, while everybody was gathered around the TV watching Charlie Brown's Christmas, I served them the apple cake that I had made yesterday. When the movie was over we all sang Christmas carols. I know it sounds cheesy, but I am missing the whole feel of the Christmas season, so I am willing to be a bit cheesy every so often.

Tomorrow it's back to work. I wish I didn't dread it so much. I love Thailand, but man I don't like my job very much. I like my students and I like teaching them, but I really don't like the working environment here. I do my job to support myself, but my real passion here is teaching my evening class. I am also hoping to get involved in some outreach stuff that the church that I went to today is involved in. I guess that I can't have one without the other.

A Kaleidoscope of Thoughts

Today was such a chill day. It was really nice. I hung out in my building all day. I talked to my brother on the phone this morning, and then random things around the house. This had been the never-ending week. It's been so long and draining. It was nice to go nowhere and do nothing today. It was nice to accomplish things that I needed to accomplish with out being watched or criticized as I worked. I love days off.

Last night my evening ESL students took me out to a festival at the river. It was a lot of fun. I love hanging out with them. They totally treated me to the whole entire night. The river area was beautiful. We went to a park. There was a carnival and random shows set up around the grounds, and a bit of a night market going on. All the colorful lights made it so festive and pretty. It was a really good night.

My roommate did a visa run to Cambodia today. She came back pretty somber. She said that just seeing the extreme conditions there that the people live in really puts life into perspective. She talked a little about the poverty and hopelessness there. It was really sad. I was reminded of how trivial my problems are. It made me kind of want to do relief work there. I have so many random ideas all the time though. Who knows if anything will come of it.

It was good to talk to my brother this morning. I love that we're family and we're such good friends. I love that he knows me so well and yet he still loves me. I love that we can talk about anything, that we understand each other so well, and that we have so much in common. I miss him a lot. I am so happy that he is coming for Christmas though. I am really excited that I will be able to share this part of my life with him, that he will be able to see who I am here and how I live. I love that when I go home I will have someone who I can talk about life here with, and he will be able to identify with me a bit because he's been here and seen it. He really is such a blessing.

God really spoiled me with the people He's put in my life. Each one is so special and so unique. I have the most remarkable friends and family, so many people who love and pray for me, so many people whom I love and pray for. They are scattered all over the place too. All over North America and the world. It truly is amazing.

Ramblings

Tonight my little community of farong is having a Thanksgiving dinner. I am looking forward to it with a twinge of homesickness. I am really glad we are having Thanksgiving here, because I was really missing the whole holiday season. I made an apple pie for the event. It's strange that baking can be nastalgic. I haven't baked since I got here, and I bake all the time when I am at home. It was fun to bake because it made me really feel like I was preparing for Thankgiving, but it made me miss being in the kitchen with my mom during the holiday season. Thankfully my roomate came back from her weekend get-a-way and joined me in the kitchen. That made it fun. I am quite happy to have her back. She is talking about leaving before Christmas though. That will stink. I really like having her here.

Last night after I finished teaching my evening class I joined with (the other evening ESL teacher) David's class in his going away party. Man, am I going to miss him! I know his students are going to miss him. He's been here almost as long as me, and it feels like he should stay as long as me. Our little group of friends is going to have a huge hole in it when he leaves. Today is his Birthday so we are going to have a little luncheon for him with the evening ESL staff.

I have this issue with getting attatched to people and places, and then leaving them. I can't seem to stay in one place for very long, but I am always homesick for someplace, someone or something. I like it here in Thailand (it took me a while) and I know that when I leave here I am really going to be homesick for this place and these people, but while I am here I am homesick for my home, my family, friends, and culture. I am also homesick for Egypt. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. Right now this is home to me, Over the summer our little apartment in Cairo was home. Before that Virginia was home, and it just keeps going. Of course my parents house is always home to me, but I feel like a splintered person. Part of me is always missing something. I have been at home in so many places that no place feels like it is completely home. I wonder if it will be like this forever.

To Tom

Happy Birthday!!!

Another one...

Another day I am not ready to face. My head is hurting, and I don't even want to think of all the things I have to do this week. The weekend can't come soon enough.

Monday

Another Monday and I'm dreading the week. If I can just get through this day I'll be happy, but I'm just not excited to get it started. I do not want to walk into that office this morning. I do not want to face my boss. I just want to go back to bed and sleep for a really long time. Honestly, I don't know what my problem is, but the thought of facing the day today makes me sick to my stomach. Get me through this day. Get me through this week.

I ate a grasshopper.

Tonight was a fun night. Six of us girls decided to take the river taxi to the Bangkok Theater Festival. There were a bunch of Thai thespians, Thai dancers, breakdancers, musicians, comedians, and gymnasts performing etc. At this historic park in Bangkok. The performances were really cool, for the most part. Of course the comedians were not very funny to me since I am I have to really strain to understand even a few random words in Thai, but the others were quite entertaining. After we had wandered amongst the performances for a while we decided that we were starving, so we wandered toward Khao San Road (the backpacker haven in Bangkok) to find a place to eat. We found this cute little Jazz pizzeria actually run by an Italian man. We had supper there (mmm) and wandered around the Khao San area for a while. Somewhere along the way this British guy sitting on the street started talking to us. He was sitting with a couple of Thai guys drinking Thai rum and tonic and munching on random snacks. He offered us some, proclaiming the they were "quite good really, just like potato crisps, a wonderful accompaniment to a little shot of Thai whiskey or such." He dropped a morsel into my hand to try one, and I found myself holding a fried grasshopper. "Don't worry they're flavored. They really just taste like soy sauce." A couple of the other girls were a bit grossed out by this, but I was fairly intrigued. I wanted to eat it just so that I could say that I had eaten a fried grasshopper. So I watched him toss back a few and then I popped my own into my mouth and crunched down on it. He was right, it did taste like soy sauce. He offered me a sip of his rum to wash it down with, but I politely declined and swallowed. Not bad. After seeing that I had survived the crunchy little entree, three of the other girls tried them. They didn't find them to be so bad either. Maybe one day fried grasshoppers will become the snack food of choice and Frito Lays will get in on the deal. Then again, maybe not.

A Moment of Transparency

The other night at Bible study we talked about peace. What is peace? Do I have peace? When the word peace is spoken it brings to mind thoughts of bonfires with my friends, or being gathered around the firplace with my family on a cold winter night. Different scenarios like that come to mind depending on my situation and my circumstances.

The other night as I was reading through Scriptures on peace I realized that scenes like that do not really represent peace. They represent comfort and are often accompanied by peace, but scenes like that are not what peace is. As I read about Mary's reaction to the news that she was to give birth to Christ, I saw real peace, not comfort. What she was to go through would not be comfortable at all, but she showed simple trust and acceptance. What a beautiful picture of peace. She would have to go through much: early motherhood, the gossip and disapproval of her family and community, and raising the Son of God as her own and then watching Him suffer and die. It would certainly not be comfortable, and yet her response to the Lord was, "Whatever You will, let it be unto me." That's peace.

True peace is probably much too great a concept to define, but I recognize it in Mary, and I think it has something to do with her simple trust in God and acceptance of His plan for her life. She was willing to be used by Him, willing to endure because she knew her God was in control, that His purpose was higher than hers, and that He loved her even more intimately than she could even love herself.

Do I have that kind of peace? The kind that supercedes my circumstances, my physical and emotional comfort? Honestly, often I don't. I want to fight God's will, I want my own will. So often I lack the simple acceptance of what He has for me. My will has yet to be conquered. I am still selfish and shallow.

Change

It's weird that time passes when I am not there to see it pass. Things change, people change, relationships change, and I'm not there to experience it all for myself. People who have been in my life all of my life pass away, and I cannot attend the funeral. When I return my family will be changed, my friends will be changed, so many things will be different. I know that's part of being away, and I should be used to it by now, but with recent, random events taking place it's been bothering me a little. I wish I could freeze life at home while I am away, so that things would be the same when I get back. It wouldn't work though, because I would be different, so things would be different anyway. Life is change, I just have to deal with that, and do my best to change for the better.

Weekend Wanderings

This past weekend was fun. David, the other evening teacher, my roomate, and I went away with a couple of the evening English students for a weekend. Gift, one of David's students invited us to her cousin's house for the weekend. A bunch of her family was there for the weekend, so we got to meet them and hang out with them a bit. It was fun chillin' with a Thai family, in a Thai house. We went to the beach, climbed through the hills, found a waterfall to swim in, and toured the market for dinner. The language barrier created plenty of comedy, and we all (farong and Thai alike) spent a lot of time laughing. Gift's cousin invited us back for the fruit festival in a couple of months. Of the three farong on the trip I will be the only one still in the country, but I think it would be fun to go. It was nice being in real Thailand. There were no tourists anywhere we went. We were just part of the family we were with. It was fun.

Hairstyles and Hip Hop

I got paid to have my hair washed today. How great is that? Only in Thailand. This shampoo testing center wanted long farong hair, and my hair is hitting the middle of my back lately (I need to get it cut) and I am reminded hourly of the fact that I am a farong, so I fit the bill, and they paid the bill! It was nice, like getting paid to get a full head massage and hairstyle. Good stuff.

Tonight I hung out with the evening English crew and my students taught me useful Thai slang to toss into random conversations. Of course they picked up on the American slang much better that I did on the Thai slang, and they used it on me!

Today one of my grade six students put a baseball cap on cock-eyed, swaggered up to me, and said, "I'm hip hop, yo," in the most hilarious Thai accent. So funny! Thai-ghetto subculture is surfacing. Moments like those are priceless Thailand moments.

I'm Not Alone Anymore!

I have a roomate!!! I don't know how long she will be here, but I am happy that she's here. I'ts nice not coming home to an empty living quarters. I have spent more time in my sitting room in the past three days since she's been here than I have the in the past three months. And she's real. She's totally real. She doesn't put up a front. She tells you just what she thinks and feels. It's great. I've struggled a lot with feeling very different from the people in the little community that I live in. I have had a hard time relating to the people around me, but so far I feel like can relate to her. I don't have to qualify and justify everything that I say around her. I don't have to cushion everything that I say around her. I can actually be myself. What a refreshing feeling.

Dissatisfied

Honestly, what is my problem? I don't know what to do with myself. I talked to Jason online tonight. He was at Cafe Bean with Tom. He was getting ready to perform, and I would have given anything to just be there to watch him play. I talked to my mom online too. She was telling me about decorating the house for Thanksgiving, about fall, about family. I miss my family and friends so much. I miss my home. Am I ever satisfied? When I am home I want to go and do and travel and see and do. When I am away I just want to go home. What is wrong with me?

Hmph

Sometimes I look at the people around me and the talents that they have and I just wish that I was good at something. I have some of the most amazing friends, smart, artistic, musical, poetic, and I've got nothing to offer. I wish there was talent burried somewhere deep inside. Maybe it's just burried too deep for me to unearth it. Maybe I'm just one of those sad cases with no talents! Is drinking coffee a talent?

The Joys of Teaching

Now that school is back in session, my evening classes have started back up, and my tutoring hours are increasing, I haven't had much time to write. The past several days the computers have been jammed anyway with election watchers, most of which aren't even American. I, of course, did my share of watching as well. Speaking of elections, Tom's site was the highlight of my night tonight. Check it out if you get a chance.

Today was really busy. I taught my full schedule at school today plus I doubled up on several classes because another teacher was unable to be there, so no breaks or prep time for me today! When school was over I had a meeting with parents, then tutoring, then prep for my evening class, then I taugh the evening class, then I went out with the other teacher and some of the students. I basically have not stopped since 5:30 this morning! I am loving it though. I am happy to be back in the swing of things. I am happy to be busy. I was sitting in one of my classes this morning watching as the students worked on an assignment together, and in that moment I just brimmed over with love for them. The pride swelled up within my chest as I gazed tenderly on MY students working together so dutifully. The feeling ebbed a bit later in the day when those same little angels were running around, hooping and hollering, and jumping on each other like little monkeys. It's those good moments that make teaching worth it, that make those not so great moments endurable. It took me a while to experience the joy that follows all of the frustration (and for me, tears) of teaching, but I am glad that I am finally getting there. It truly is a rewarding job.

My night class on the other hand has been rewarding and enjoyable from the beginning. I love teaching university students and adults. They come because they are interested in learning. They are excited about what I have to teach them, and they make an effort to understand, even when it is difficult for them. The harder they work the harder I want to work, and vice versa. They are also just fun to relate with. Many of them are my age, so after I am done being the teacher, and they are done being the students, we can just hang out and goof off. It's great. The culture gap always provides interesting conversation as well as comic relief. It's a lot of fun.