A Brief Appearance

Merry Christmas! I am a little late in this greeting, sorry about that. I am in Chiang Mai staying with some friends, so I haven't been surfing the net much. I thought I'd make a brief appearance on-line today though. I had a really good Christmas. It's nice to spend Christmas with a family, to have children around to squeal and giggle as they open their presents. My friends up here have been so wonderful to David and I. I do miss everyone from home though. I love you guys, and I hope your holiday has been great.

I have been having a great time with Dave here. It's so much more fun to be in Thailand with Dave. We have had all kinds of little adventures, but maybe I'll write more about those when i have time to write.

A tsunami struck our shores Monday morning. It struck the beaches that several of my friends were staying at. One of them had her whole family with her on the island that suffered the most devastation in this country. I haven't heard anything from them yet, but communication is bad right now. Please pray for them if you think of it.

Overwhelmed

Sometimes I feel like I will never be whole. I am pulled in so many different directions. Everywhere I go I leave a part of me behind. Everywhere I go I always miss something, someone, but I am drawn on. It's this crazy paradox that has become my life. I don't fully understand it. I don't know if I ever will. Sometimes I feel so human that I think I am going to burst. Sometimes I wish I could step outside of my humanity and just do what God wants me to do, instead of having to feel it all, but then I remember that He feels it all with me. He offers the ultimate empathy, because He is there, in the midst, feeling it all right along with me. I love that He is not just this distant, impersonal God who watches from above like a warehouse supervisor with His checklist. He's on the floor. He's involved. He's there.

An interesting blog:

toi la nguoi

Bring an End to the Stress

I got the greatest care package ever from my best friend this week. It was full of real coffee, and good chocolate, two of my favorite things in life. I think I can survive here for sure with supplies like that coming across the border! When I opened it my roomate saw the contents and raise her eyebrows, "She sure knows you well." I love it! Thanks for the survival package, Mandy. It totally brightens a stressful week.

Thank goodness that after tomorrow my school's Grand Opening Expo, and Christmas Program will be over. I will be so relieved. It is such an event! They have been building all kinds of random things for the event. They brought in a ton of huge pavillion-like tents. Workers have been working on the grounds and buildings forever. The stress just keeps building. After tomorrow it will be over. Whew!!! What a relief that will be.

After that my brother will be here!!! I can't wait to have him here. The comfort factor of having a family member around is huge. He's like a shelter from daily comments and criticism that I constantly get in my work environment (which I rarely ecscape since I live on the same floor with my employers). I know he loves me, and that he'll be on my side. It's nice to have someone like that. I hate feeling like I am always hanging out there on my own. When my brother's around I don't.

A Pretty Darn Good Fool

Tonight was the Christmas party for my evening ESL class. It was soooo much fun. I love my evening students. That is the part of being here that I like. I love being friends with these people. They are so wonderful to me. They are so kind and gracious. After the party I went out to another party that the teachers of the school that I teach at in the day and it's sister school were having in the lawn of the school. We just blared music and danced, for the rest of the evening. I can't dance, but I can make a pretty darn good fool when I try, so I tried, and had a blast. Now I am exhausted and I have a couple of stressful days ahead of me, so I am going to bed.

Renewed Perspective

Two days ago I had a really long chat (on-line) with a friend of mine from Egypt. Everytime we talk, he challenges and encourages me. He always makes me think. He is never confrontational or accusing, but what he says and his perspective on things always seems to challenge or change mine. It is so good to talk to him.

I told him about some of my frustrations and struggles here. I really struggle with the administration at the school that I work at. They honestly make me crazy. I also struggle almost daily with missing friends, family, and my culture. It's not easy to live in another country, another culture, especially at the beginning. The adjustment period seems to be the hardest for me. It was nice to be honest with him, to not pretend to be doing better than I am. He really encouraged me though, and reminded me of why I am here.

I am happy to be here. It is such a priveledge to be able to live and work here, to be able to be a part of people's lives here. I tend to grumble and complain about all the stress and issues that I have here, but honestly, everytime I walk into the Kindergarten class, and little munchkins launch themselves through the air at me joyfully shouting "Miss SaLAH, Miss SaLAH all of the stress and issues fade away. When I leave a classroom feeling like my students actually learned something, I am jubulant. After the adult ESL classes that I teach in the evenings, I always feel so fulfilled. I know that God brought me here. I know that He had a reason in doing it. I really am thankful to be here. I am thankful to serve a God that know the purpose in our struggles, and Who feels the pain of them too.

Missin' Christmas

I'm feelin a bit homesick for Christmas. I'm missing the snow, the decorations, the parties, the music... I'm missing my family and friends. I miss the whole feel of Christmas. Whimper whimper. As I it here typing this, thinking about Christmas and all that goes with it, buddhist monks are walking along the street outside of my window in their bright orange togas. It's really cool to see that every morning, and even cooler to have the opportunity to be a part of the lives of the people here. They are amazing, and I do love it, but I'm still a totally girl. I still miss home. I am going to try not to think about it though. I am going to enjoy this right now, and next year I will enjoy being home. That's the plan at least.

Cockroaches and Mosquitoes

I share my home. I am benevolent enough to share my home, (I really don't have much choice) and the unusually large, exceptionally ugly six legged creatures that I share it with don't even show any gratitude. It's actually quite annoying, and I wish they would find another home, but they seem quite satisfied with the one that they've got. The other residents of my home are just plain vicious. They feast on my flesh whenever they get the chance, leaving big red welts all over my body, that itche for days. Annoying.

One More Week

Only one more week before my brother gets here, and I am going to have most of the vacation time that was promised to me. Thanks God he's coming and thank God I get to hang otu with him. I am so excited. It will be so nice to have him here. I want to show him everything, but there's definately not enough time for that, so we'll just do what we can. It will be so nice to have family here, someone who has known me longer than a couple of months.

Last night I stayed in and watched movies with my roomate. Man I hope she stays here when she comes back after New Years. It would really suck to lose her. I am so glad she's here right now. It's nice to have someone else to decorate, and plan with during the Christmas season. We made french toast for dinner and watched movies. I made fried apples while we watched White Christmas. The whole place smelled like apples and cinnamon. It was so relaxing. I love the movie White Christmas. Call me a sap, but for me it's classic. I may even watch it again before the season ends.

So now back to school. This week is going to be pretty high stress. Saturday is our Grand Opening ceremony and our Christmas production. With the lack of communication and planning that we deal with here it's sure to be a very stressful time and an interesting event. I can't wait until it's over.

Distance...

I haven't written in a while. I've been running non-stop and I really don't have anything worth writing anyway. I would love to vent, because there is plenty to complain about, but I already do that far too much. I am trying to learn to bite my tongue when it comes to complaining, but sometimes it's really hard.

I've talked to friends and family from home a little lately. That's been nice. It always reminds me of how big the gap between us is though, how different my life is from theirs. I live in another world here. Sometimes it's exciting. Sometimes it makes me sad. Sometimes it's just surreal. There is a place that used to be so real to me, where people live who mean so much to me, and a way of life that was my own, but now it's beginning to seem distant and hazy. There people sleep while I work, and work while I sleep. I wish them good morning right before I go to bed for the night. They are wearing coats and scarves, while I sweat in a tank top. It is all very strange. I am sure that when I move back it will take me no time to jump right back into the swing of things, but sometimes hearing about it while I am here makes it seem so distant. How very odd.

Highlights and Stress

I went away for the weekend, and it was a lot of fun. I was the only English speaker in the whole group, so there were definitely language issues and a lot of laughter as a result. I had no clue what was going on ever, I just followed familiar faces. We did all the typical Thai stuff that I hadn't done yet. We rode elephants, went bamboo rafting, and visited temples. We even slept on the river in a bamboo raft / hut. We went to the bridge across the River Kwai, the one that was built by Allied POW's for the Japanese during WWII. We also went to the cemetery of the soldiers who died there. I must have been emotional, because as soon as I walked into the cemetery, the history of the place and the messages on the headstones overwhelmed me and I started bawling. I couldn't stop until I had walked out of the cemetery. The people I was with didn't quite know what to do with me. They kept glancing at me anxiously. When we left the cemetery some of the ladies put flowers in my hair, and told me I was "suh-why," beautiful. That was a sweet expression of comfort.

Last night when I came home though I went back into the slump of Saturday. My roommate hasn't been here this weekend, so it's been a little lonely. I am not looking forward to the point when she leaves for good. I don't know why, but I just don't feel like I fit in with the people here. They are all really nice, but I just don't fit into their circle. Sometimes I just really miss my family and friends from home.

Sometimes the idea of going home makes me nervous. My biggest concern is the job thing. Will I be able to get a decent job when I get home? And if I do, will I like it, or will I be completely miserable in it? What will it be like living at home as an adult. It's gonna be weird. I am totally used to doing my own thing. Will I be able to afford life in the U.S.? It will be really weird going back to that kind of economy again. I live quite comfortably here on the salary that I have, things are a lot different in the States. I probably shouldn't be worrying about it all already, but I am pretty good about worrying ahead. Stress.

A Two-foot Tree

I met that a pastor from the U.S. downtown today for breakfast. It was nice to chat with him. It made me realize though, what a different world I live in here. I am not sure what it was about the conversation that triggered that feeling. I suddenly felt really out of touch with America. It was quite strange. After he left I spent the rest of the day wandering around Bangkok by myself. It was kind of nice to just wander without rhyme or reason, all by myself in the city. I got to explore neighborhoods that I hadn't seen before. I wandered around some really ritzy touristy areas. Bangkok has some nice areas. I also wandered around other areas that were not dripping with the same amount of wealth as the ritzy areas. I felt a little more comfortable there.

While I was out I bought a Christmas cd, a two-foot tree, and some decorations for it. When I came home I borrowed a cd player, put on my cd, and decorated my little sitting room for Christmas. It was exciting, but it also made me a little homesick. I have been doing good lately, but tonight I am slipping a little. I think I am just tired and emotional.

Tomorrow I leave at 6 a.m. for a province a little north of here. Some of my evening students are taking me away for two days. It's going to be fun, and probably pretty funny, since there will definately be langauge issues. I hope that it's a little relaxing. I need some R&R.

Any Requests?

I am feeling overwhelmed. I have so much going on that I don't have time to sleep. I think that's probably how everybody feels at this time of year, but I am not even living in the land of Christmas. My problem is that I don't know how to say no. I misjudge my limits. I want to do everything for and with everyone, and I go overboard. I have been sick for about 9 days now, and I think it's just because I never stop to sleep. I am excited that it is the weekend, but even in the weekend there is no stopping. I am just doing less regulated stuff. Man, I need to learn to prioritize!

I am getting so excited about Christmas!!! Eventhough it's not like Christmas at home, I love the challenge of making my life in this place Christmassy. I'm also pretty excited that my brother is coming. That may have something to do with it. I am going downtown today to meet a guy who my mother knows from the States. I am meeting him for breakfast. Maybe I can do some Christmas shopping while I am down there. I am going to do a lot of Christmas shopping while my bro is here too so that I can send stuff home with him. I am not sure what to get everybody though, so all of you reading this, leave your requests in the comment box.

Friday

It's Friday! What a wonderful ring that has to it. Ah Friday. Such a wonderful day. Quite possibly my favorite day of the week. It would make sense that Saturday would be my favorite day because I have the whole day off, but I think I like Friday even better than Saturday. I love the potential that Friday represents. I love standing at the beginning of the weekend and looking at all the possibilities it holds. T G I F!

Deck the Halls

I got a package today from my grandparents of wrapped Christmas presents! I am so excited!!! I heard I had gotten a package so I went home on my lunch break just to see what it was, and that's what I got. I was bouncing off the walls for the rest of the day. I am such a child. I took them immediately upstairs to my little sitting room and arranged them very nicely on my coffee table. They make my little home look like Christmas! I refuse to open them before Christmas Day. I want them to sit there on that table calling to me tauntingly throughout the whole season just like the ones under the tree at home do. I hope one of them is Grandma's apple butter! Hers is my favorite and I have been craving it since I got here and I have been talking about it to everyone here. They had never even heard of apple butter! They are probably tired of hearing about it now though. The presents inspired me to go out after school today and buy some of those little twinkle lights to put up in my sitting room / bed room area. Hopefully I can find some other stuff to decorate with as well. I may be in Thailand, but it's still Christmas!!!

Bad Attitude

To add to my not-so-great attitude about working here I just found out that the two weeks paid vacation that I was promised for Christmas has just been shortened to one. Not too excited about that! I wouldn't be so upset about that if my brother weren't coming all the way to Thailand for the break, but he is, so I'm struggling once again with my attitude about working here. How can they change something like that three weeks before it's supposed to happen? What's the deal? I admire people who are motivated, but when you are so driven that you are running people over and crushing them, it's not quite so admirable. I am not just talking about me. I hate watching the people around me get run itno the ground because of somebody's own personal ambition. Lord, help me with my attitude.

My Day

My roommate and I joined two of the GES teachers and went to a Thai church today in a bit of a slummy area towards downtown. I felt more at home there than at just about any other church that I've been to here. It totally reminded me why I am here. It was a small congregation that met in the middle of this old mall building that was partially open to the out doors. I felt completely comfortable worshipping there. There were no pretenses, no airs. The people there were real and welcoming. Some farong were in the congregation. They were all fluent in Thai. One lady translated for us. I immediately felt like I was in the midst of friends. The people there were approachable and warm. Their purpose is to reach out. They were casual, they didn't make you feel uncomfortable if you weren't dressed a certain way or if you didn't behave a certain way. I loved it. I'll definitely being going back again.

This afternoon I went to the Ministry of Health with my roommate, Gift, and Mink to swim. It was a lot of fun. I was actually cold in the water. I get excited about being cold here because it never happens.

Tonight, while everybody was gathered around the TV watching Charlie Brown's Christmas, I served them the apple cake that I had made yesterday. When the movie was over we all sang Christmas carols. I know it sounds cheesy, but I am missing the whole feel of the Christmas season, so I am willing to be a bit cheesy every so often.

Tomorrow it's back to work. I wish I didn't dread it so much. I love Thailand, but man I don't like my job very much. I like my students and I like teaching them, but I really don't like the working environment here. I do my job to support myself, but my real passion here is teaching my evening class. I am also hoping to get involved in some outreach stuff that the church that I went to today is involved in. I guess that I can't have one without the other.

A Kaleidoscope of Thoughts

Today was such a chill day. It was really nice. I hung out in my building all day. I talked to my brother on the phone this morning, and then random things around the house. This had been the never-ending week. It's been so long and draining. It was nice to go nowhere and do nothing today. It was nice to accomplish things that I needed to accomplish with out being watched or criticized as I worked. I love days off.

Last night my evening ESL students took me out to a festival at the river. It was a lot of fun. I love hanging out with them. They totally treated me to the whole entire night. The river area was beautiful. We went to a park. There was a carnival and random shows set up around the grounds, and a bit of a night market going on. All the colorful lights made it so festive and pretty. It was a really good night.

My roommate did a visa run to Cambodia today. She came back pretty somber. She said that just seeing the extreme conditions there that the people live in really puts life into perspective. She talked a little about the poverty and hopelessness there. It was really sad. I was reminded of how trivial my problems are. It made me kind of want to do relief work there. I have so many random ideas all the time though. Who knows if anything will come of it.

It was good to talk to my brother this morning. I love that we're family and we're such good friends. I love that he knows me so well and yet he still loves me. I love that we can talk about anything, that we understand each other so well, and that we have so much in common. I miss him a lot. I am so happy that he is coming for Christmas though. I am really excited that I will be able to share this part of my life with him, that he will be able to see who I am here and how I live. I love that when I go home I will have someone who I can talk about life here with, and he will be able to identify with me a bit because he's been here and seen it. He really is such a blessing.

God really spoiled me with the people He's put in my life. Each one is so special and so unique. I have the most remarkable friends and family, so many people who love and pray for me, so many people whom I love and pray for. They are scattered all over the place too. All over North America and the world. It truly is amazing.

Ramblings

Tonight my little community of farong is having a Thanksgiving dinner. I am looking forward to it with a twinge of homesickness. I am really glad we are having Thanksgiving here, because I was really missing the whole holiday season. I made an apple pie for the event. It's strange that baking can be nastalgic. I haven't baked since I got here, and I bake all the time when I am at home. It was fun to bake because it made me really feel like I was preparing for Thankgiving, but it made me miss being in the kitchen with my mom during the holiday season. Thankfully my roomate came back from her weekend get-a-way and joined me in the kitchen. That made it fun. I am quite happy to have her back. She is talking about leaving before Christmas though. That will stink. I really like having her here.

Last night after I finished teaching my evening class I joined with (the other evening ESL teacher) David's class in his going away party. Man, am I going to miss him! I know his students are going to miss him. He's been here almost as long as me, and it feels like he should stay as long as me. Our little group of friends is going to have a huge hole in it when he leaves. Today is his Birthday so we are going to have a little luncheon for him with the evening ESL staff.

I have this issue with getting attatched to people and places, and then leaving them. I can't seem to stay in one place for very long, but I am always homesick for someplace, someone or something. I like it here in Thailand (it took me a while) and I know that when I leave here I am really going to be homesick for this place and these people, but while I am here I am homesick for my home, my family, friends, and culture. I am also homesick for Egypt. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. Right now this is home to me, Over the summer our little apartment in Cairo was home. Before that Virginia was home, and it just keeps going. Of course my parents house is always home to me, but I feel like a splintered person. Part of me is always missing something. I have been at home in so many places that no place feels like it is completely home. I wonder if it will be like this forever.

To Tom

Happy Birthday!!!

Another one...

Another day I am not ready to face. My head is hurting, and I don't even want to think of all the things I have to do this week. The weekend can't come soon enough.

Monday

Another Monday and I'm dreading the week. If I can just get through this day I'll be happy, but I'm just not excited to get it started. I do not want to walk into that office this morning. I do not want to face my boss. I just want to go back to bed and sleep for a really long time. Honestly, I don't know what my problem is, but the thought of facing the day today makes me sick to my stomach. Get me through this day. Get me through this week.

I ate a grasshopper.

Tonight was a fun night. Six of us girls decided to take the river taxi to the Bangkok Theater Festival. There were a bunch of Thai thespians, Thai dancers, breakdancers, musicians, comedians, and gymnasts performing etc. At this historic park in Bangkok. The performances were really cool, for the most part. Of course the comedians were not very funny to me since I am I have to really strain to understand even a few random words in Thai, but the others were quite entertaining. After we had wandered amongst the performances for a while we decided that we were starving, so we wandered toward Khao San Road (the backpacker haven in Bangkok) to find a place to eat. We found this cute little Jazz pizzeria actually run by an Italian man. We had supper there (mmm) and wandered around the Khao San area for a while. Somewhere along the way this British guy sitting on the street started talking to us. He was sitting with a couple of Thai guys drinking Thai rum and tonic and munching on random snacks. He offered us some, proclaiming the they were "quite good really, just like potato crisps, a wonderful accompaniment to a little shot of Thai whiskey or such." He dropped a morsel into my hand to try one, and I found myself holding a fried grasshopper. "Don't worry they're flavored. They really just taste like soy sauce." A couple of the other girls were a bit grossed out by this, but I was fairly intrigued. I wanted to eat it just so that I could say that I had eaten a fried grasshopper. So I watched him toss back a few and then I popped my own into my mouth and crunched down on it. He was right, it did taste like soy sauce. He offered me a sip of his rum to wash it down with, but I politely declined and swallowed. Not bad. After seeing that I had survived the crunchy little entree, three of the other girls tried them. They didn't find them to be so bad either. Maybe one day fried grasshoppers will become the snack food of choice and Frito Lays will get in on the deal. Then again, maybe not.

A Moment of Transparency

The other night at Bible study we talked about peace. What is peace? Do I have peace? When the word peace is spoken it brings to mind thoughts of bonfires with my friends, or being gathered around the firplace with my family on a cold winter night. Different scenarios like that come to mind depending on my situation and my circumstances.

The other night as I was reading through Scriptures on peace I realized that scenes like that do not really represent peace. They represent comfort and are often accompanied by peace, but scenes like that are not what peace is. As I read about Mary's reaction to the news that she was to give birth to Christ, I saw real peace, not comfort. What she was to go through would not be comfortable at all, but she showed simple trust and acceptance. What a beautiful picture of peace. She would have to go through much: early motherhood, the gossip and disapproval of her family and community, and raising the Son of God as her own and then watching Him suffer and die. It would certainly not be comfortable, and yet her response to the Lord was, "Whatever You will, let it be unto me." That's peace.

True peace is probably much too great a concept to define, but I recognize it in Mary, and I think it has something to do with her simple trust in God and acceptance of His plan for her life. She was willing to be used by Him, willing to endure because she knew her God was in control, that His purpose was higher than hers, and that He loved her even more intimately than she could even love herself.

Do I have that kind of peace? The kind that supercedes my circumstances, my physical and emotional comfort? Honestly, often I don't. I want to fight God's will, I want my own will. So often I lack the simple acceptance of what He has for me. My will has yet to be conquered. I am still selfish and shallow.

Change

It's weird that time passes when I am not there to see it pass. Things change, people change, relationships change, and I'm not there to experience it all for myself. People who have been in my life all of my life pass away, and I cannot attend the funeral. When I return my family will be changed, my friends will be changed, so many things will be different. I know that's part of being away, and I should be used to it by now, but with recent, random events taking place it's been bothering me a little. I wish I could freeze life at home while I am away, so that things would be the same when I get back. It wouldn't work though, because I would be different, so things would be different anyway. Life is change, I just have to deal with that, and do my best to change for the better.

Weekend Wanderings

This past weekend was fun. David, the other evening teacher, my roomate, and I went away with a couple of the evening English students for a weekend. Gift, one of David's students invited us to her cousin's house for the weekend. A bunch of her family was there for the weekend, so we got to meet them and hang out with them a bit. It was fun chillin' with a Thai family, in a Thai house. We went to the beach, climbed through the hills, found a waterfall to swim in, and toured the market for dinner. The language barrier created plenty of comedy, and we all (farong and Thai alike) spent a lot of time laughing. Gift's cousin invited us back for the fruit festival in a couple of months. Of the three farong on the trip I will be the only one still in the country, but I think it would be fun to go. It was nice being in real Thailand. There were no tourists anywhere we went. We were just part of the family we were with. It was fun.

Hairstyles and Hip Hop

I got paid to have my hair washed today. How great is that? Only in Thailand. This shampoo testing center wanted long farong hair, and my hair is hitting the middle of my back lately (I need to get it cut) and I am reminded hourly of the fact that I am a farong, so I fit the bill, and they paid the bill! It was nice, like getting paid to get a full head massage and hairstyle. Good stuff.

Tonight I hung out with the evening English crew and my students taught me useful Thai slang to toss into random conversations. Of course they picked up on the American slang much better that I did on the Thai slang, and they used it on me!

Today one of my grade six students put a baseball cap on cock-eyed, swaggered up to me, and said, "I'm hip hop, yo," in the most hilarious Thai accent. So funny! Thai-ghetto subculture is surfacing. Moments like those are priceless Thailand moments.

I'm Not Alone Anymore!

I have a roomate!!! I don't know how long she will be here, but I am happy that she's here. I'ts nice not coming home to an empty living quarters. I have spent more time in my sitting room in the past three days since she's been here than I have the in the past three months. And she's real. She's totally real. She doesn't put up a front. She tells you just what she thinks and feels. It's great. I've struggled a lot with feeling very different from the people in the little community that I live in. I have had a hard time relating to the people around me, but so far I feel like can relate to her. I don't have to qualify and justify everything that I say around her. I don't have to cushion everything that I say around her. I can actually be myself. What a refreshing feeling.

Dissatisfied

Honestly, what is my problem? I don't know what to do with myself. I talked to Jason online tonight. He was at Cafe Bean with Tom. He was getting ready to perform, and I would have given anything to just be there to watch him play. I talked to my mom online too. She was telling me about decorating the house for Thanksgiving, about fall, about family. I miss my family and friends so much. I miss my home. Am I ever satisfied? When I am home I want to go and do and travel and see and do. When I am away I just want to go home. What is wrong with me?

Hmph

Sometimes I look at the people around me and the talents that they have and I just wish that I was good at something. I have some of the most amazing friends, smart, artistic, musical, poetic, and I've got nothing to offer. I wish there was talent burried somewhere deep inside. Maybe it's just burried too deep for me to unearth it. Maybe I'm just one of those sad cases with no talents! Is drinking coffee a talent?

The Joys of Teaching

Now that school is back in session, my evening classes have started back up, and my tutoring hours are increasing, I haven't had much time to write. The past several days the computers have been jammed anyway with election watchers, most of which aren't even American. I, of course, did my share of watching as well. Speaking of elections, Tom's site was the highlight of my night tonight. Check it out if you get a chance.

Today was really busy. I taught my full schedule at school today plus I doubled up on several classes because another teacher was unable to be there, so no breaks or prep time for me today! When school was over I had a meeting with parents, then tutoring, then prep for my evening class, then I taugh the evening class, then I went out with the other teacher and some of the students. I basically have not stopped since 5:30 this morning! I am loving it though. I am happy to be back in the swing of things. I am happy to be busy. I was sitting in one of my classes this morning watching as the students worked on an assignment together, and in that moment I just brimmed over with love for them. The pride swelled up within my chest as I gazed tenderly on MY students working together so dutifully. The feeling ebbed a bit later in the day when those same little angels were running around, hooping and hollering, and jumping on each other like little monkeys. It's those good moments that make teaching worth it, that make those not so great moments endurable. It took me a while to experience the joy that follows all of the frustration (and for me, tears) of teaching, but I am glad that I am finally getting there. It truly is a rewarding job.

My night class on the other hand has been rewarding and enjoyable from the beginning. I love teaching university students and adults. They come because they are interested in learning. They are excited about what I have to teach them, and they make an effort to understand, even when it is difficult for them. The harder they work the harder I want to work, and vice versa. They are also just fun to relate with. Many of them are my age, so after I am done being the teacher, and they are done being the students, we can just hang out and goof off. It's great. The culture gap always provides interesting conversation as well as comic relief. It's a lot of fun.

Safety First

Last night I went with a bunch of my friends to a movie in downtown. It was a late movie, so Bangkok was pretty dead when we got there, and even more so when we got out. It was weird to see the place so muted. Anyway, several of us found ourselves locked out of our building when we got back. We have key to the lock, but then a metal latch is put in place as well, and we can't unlatch it from the outside. I don't understand why exactly they do that. I know we had somebody break in this past month, so they were trying to take all precautionary measures, but it really didn't make too much sense to me. Anyway it took us a while, huddled around the door hacking at it with various tools and other objects, to break in. Nothing like having to break into my own building, and then knowing that a novice like myself has the ability to break in once I find success. That's security at it's finest.

Looking Ahead

So I have been planning and thinking about next year a lot. My plans morph daily of course, but I think I am starting to get an idea of what I am going to do next year and I am excited about it. When things are rough here it's nice remember that my contract ends in May and that I can choose another route after that. It's wonderful to have options. It's good to have something to look ahead to, it helps me to get through the rough times. I am planning to move home for sure. I have several ideas of what else I am going to do but they are not fully formed yet. Just knowing that I will see the leaves change next year makes this one more bearable. Honestly, it's not always miserable. I really do like living here, I just always seem to write at my down moments. Anyway, happy toughts of what is to come help me to get through what is, and I am so excited about next year.

I love the internet!

I have been on the internet for a long time this morning. I spend a lot of time on-line. I think that the people around me see that as a flaw, but I dissagree. I think it is a God-send. I love being able to be part of my friends and family's lives even when I am living on the other side of the globe. I have so many amazing people in my life who are very important to me. I couldn't imagine not being able to communicate with them, so regardless what peole say; props to the internet! Oh, and I really miss you guys.

Back in Bangkok!

I'm back! It is good to be home after travelling, and believe it or not I am looking forward to getting back into the swing of things. The bilingual department at our school is making some changes that will hopefully improve the way things run a little. I hope it really does.

My trip north was incrediby encouraging. I spent some time with some missionaries up there. It's incredible the affect that one conversation can have. I guess it's because that conversation is backed up by a life lived. I met a lady named Marg while I was in the north. She had the most settled and contented spirit of anyone I have ever met. She works at a home for orphaned and abandoned babies. She gave up a nice job with Delta Airlines five years before to move to a remote little village in Thailand to work at a babies home. She simply told us about her life, her relationship with God, and how the hand of God was evident through every part of her moment of her life. She is somebody who's relationship with God is so close and so real. I envy that. I wish I was that close to God. I wish that I had the same peace and love that she has. Lord let it be in me...

Down Day (again)

Why am I so depressed this weekend? I am in the midst of holiday. I should be enjoying myself. Instead I have been miserable. I am really lonely lately. I don't feel like I can connect with the few people around me who can actually speak my language. I feel somehow removed from the people around me. I don't know why.

I'm really missing the United States this weekend. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my culture. I am pretty certain that I am not signing for another year here. I think that I want to go home for a while. I don't know what my problem is. I should be enjoying myself. I should be making the most of this experience. I guess I am just having a down weekend. I need to pull myself out of this thing -- whatever it is -- but instead all I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide. May can't come soon enough today.

I am leaving again tonight. I am heading north with a couple of people. We are going to do a bunch of cool stuff. Maybe that'll pull me out of this thing. I hope so. Living here and working here is a great opportunity. I am incredibly priveledged in my position here. I know I need to enjoy it, to make the most of it. I just need to be thankful. Lord, help...

Lonely Day

Man, I'm lonely today. This place is dead. Everybody who speaks my language is somewhere else. It really sucks. I don't like the stranded feeling of not being able to drive here. I hate relying on public transportation. I guess I am just used to American independance, and I am struggling with the lack of it here. I didn't expect to struggle with as many culture issues as I have here. I guess that's all part of moving to another country.

Being in Phi Phi was nice because I was surrounded by westerners. I ate familiar food and heard English spoken. For many of the tourists there it may have felt like they were diving into Thai culture, but for me it totally felt like an escape from it. It felt a little like a trip home, to my own culture. I am not saying that I don't like Thai culture, or that I want to escape it. It is just nice to have something familiar every so often.

I talked to my brother on-line today. Man, I miss him. It is so nice to have a brother around, to have a big guy who always takes my side, who has to love me becuase he's blood. It's nice to have someone to hide behind when there is drama in life, someone who understands me better than most because he's been through the most with me. He makes me feel secure. I kind of feel bad for people who don't have siblings. I can't imagine life without them. Anyway, my brother is coming in December, and I am so fricken excited about it. I can't wait to just have him here.

Back in Bangkok...Briefly

I'm back in Bangkok for the weekend back to the traffic, pollution, and the soi dogs. I am just here long enought to wash some laundry and regroup before heading north, but I still feel the stress of the place as if I were here to work. I don't like living where I work, because there is no boundry between the two. I feel like there is no place to hide, no place where I can go where I don't have to think about work. Ah well, I guess that's life.

Paradise

I am on Koh Phi Phi Don. I am in paradise. This place is amazing. It is a backpacker's dream come true, a tropical island where everything is incredibly cheap. I don't want to leave today, but I must. There are other horizons to explore. I am having a great time on my travels so far though. I have really enjoyed just wandering around the island watching and meeting new people. The friends that I am traveling with don't really share my intrigue of people though, which kind of stinks. They would be perfectly happy if there were no other people here besides us. For me the people here are the biggest part of the lure of the place. The fact that it's a tropical paradise has something to do with that too, but I am loving the blending of cultures that I find here. I have met people from all over the world. Each one comes with his own story to tell. Each one is on his own great adventure. It's all so fascinating to me. It makes me miss Jase, Jeremy, Donya, and both Toms. You guys would love it here. You would understand my interest in people too. We need to go on a backpacking trip together.

Read it

Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller

Great book. Read it.

I don't have much to say today. My backpack is packed and ready to go. I am just ready to get on that plane.

Lack of communication at work continues to be frustrating. Two more communication failures today. Everything at my work seems to run on assumptions. They just assume that I am super woman, and that I can do anything. They also assume that my life is built around work and that I can just reorganize everything in it for them. I know it is just a cultural difference, but I am really having a hard time adjusting to it. I don't like to be just thrown into a random classroom with no warning and no materials and just told to teach something. I guess I am just used to the North American way of planning and scheduling. I feel like I am just expected to know everything, so nobody tells me anything. Then when I don't know things it's a mess that I have to figure out a way to clean up. I am not by nature a scheduler or planner, but I am used to being surrounded by schedulers, and so I guess that creates the framework for my own chaos. Here there is no framework, it's just chaos. Maybe I am just crazy. That's always a possibility...

Escape!

The day after tomorrow I will be on a plane headed for Phuket and the beaches in the south of Thailand, and after that it's north for me! I am so excited about it! My friends and I just sat and planned out our trip tonight. Ahhh ... three weeks away from the craziness of teaching. It will be so nice. I will actually get to see this lovely country that I live in. I like Bangkok, but I will be happy to get out of the city for a while. I am excited to escape, relax, and then explore. The world can be such an exciting place to live! I want to see as much of it as I can.

Shark Anyone?

I spent the past two days with the teachers from my school on a retreat. It was so nice to get away from the concrete and polution. It was good to see grass. The language barrier was not frustrating at all once I was out of the work environment. It actually proved to be quite funny, and it made the weekend a lot of fun. It learned a little bit more Thai. I tried to use it on my friend Ann. I wanted to ask her if she was going to come eat squid with us, but instead I asked her if she wanted to come eat hammerhead shark with us. Hmm. My language skills need a lot of work!

Tears

A tear falls
A pristine essence,
Liquid emotion,
A toxic substance that purges the soul,
Purifies that heart.
Crystal rings spead outward as it joins the others,
A puddle
A pond
An ocean of life
Of feeling
Of understanding what it is to be alive,
To love, to hurt,
To feel joy, sorrow,
To exude all that is life and living.
The overflow of the heart?
Or simply a testimony of life.

Until we meet again...

Someone who I met and grew quit close to this summer during my time in Egypt recently passed away. He was a precious example of servanthood to me. He was my "Egyptian dad". He taught me how to truely love beyond language barriers, how to build relationships with people who have a completely different culture, and how to express without having to always use words. He cooked, cleaned, and served without complaint the whole time we were there.

It's strange that he has left this earth. It's hard to know that he's gone, that I will never see him on this earth again. It's hard to know that he will not be in Egypt when I return. I miss him a lot, but I know that he is held closely in the loving arms of his Savior. I know that he now feels contentment, a joy and a peace that those of us still trapped within these bodies of flesh have never experienced. He can rest now, and even if I could, I would never want to rob him of that. The amazing thing about knowing Christ is that even in the midst of sorrow there is peace, comfort, and joy. There is security in Him regardless of the circumstances. It is a precious gift that I cherish, that I definately do not deserve, but that I cling to. That does not eliminate the tears however, and I am shedding some as I write this, but they are simply evidence of a life touched.

So although this is a time of loss for us, it is great gain for him, which eases our loss a bit, and makes the sorrow bittersweet. There is no need for good bye, simply until we meet again...

Downpour

So it's rainy season here in Bangkok, and almost nightly our grassway transforms itself into a waterway. Last night I happened to get caught in a friend's house when the rain started. Talk about terrential downpour! It was a monsoon! By the time the rain stopped and I was ready to head home, the grassway between my friend's house and my building was completely under water. I could have canoed home. Instead I rolled up my pant legs, and waded right in. When I got to the soggy earth on the other side I almost stepped on a frog, which threw me off course a bit. By the time I slid into my building I was soaked and muddy from head to toe. What a mess.

This morning I taught my last Saturday English class before October break. I am so excited about October break. I can't wait to go places and do things. I like teaching, but it will be nice to have some time away from it. This afternoon I spent shopping at Chatuchak Market in Mo Chit. It was a lot of fun. I don't usually enjoy shopping too much, but today I really had a good time. I went with a Thai friend, an American friend and a Canadian friend. We just kind of goofed off and enjoyed ourselves. We fought the crowds and tried on clothes and bartered and bargained. I actually purchased things. This was the first time I've really gone shopping since I've been here. I actually went to the market with a little money this time. It's a lot more fun that way. When I got home a bunch of my Thai and farong friends had a barbeque for everyone involved in our evening English program. I had some great rice noodles, morning glory, and squid. I am a fan of Thai food. Tonight it is raining again. This time I am in my own building for the downpour. It's kind of nice. A bunch of my friends and I are here watching movies and drinking hot drinks. Nights like these are perfect movie nights. My friend Mink is staying over with me tonight. It'll be nice to have someone here. Mine is the only occupied room on the floor that I live on, and sometimes it gets a little lonely. I guess that's life.

Just for you, Sarah...

This link is just for you, Sarah....

Coffee Addiction

You DO have an excuse!!
Love ya' ;-)
--0r4cl3

Eat at Joe's

One thing that I haven't gotten used to yet in Thailand is the extreme familiarity between creatures and people. The other night I came home after dark, and since I know my building pretty well now, I decided not to turn on the lights as I made my way toward my room. With my keys in hand, I reached for my doorknob. Apparently I should have given warning of my arrival because I disturbed something. As I grabbed the doorknob a rather large roach jumped on my hand and scurried up my arm. I was a bit startled so I forgot my manners. I gave him a good hard shaking before I sent him flying to the floor. How rude am I? Well I think I make up for it in my benevolent treatment of mosquitoes. I host them daily for a free flesh buffet. It's a huge hit. They tend to overstay their welcome though, and over-eat. I am thinking of closing it down, flooding it out with bugspray or something, but I have never been quite this successful at anything before.

On the Spot

I had so much fun last night. I teach an evening class of mostly university students and young professionals, and it is such a welcome change from my daily elementary school classroom. It's nice to teach students who want to learn. After an evening with that class I am always so happy to be here. Last night we went out after class to this outdoor restaurant with live music. There was a comedian on-stage who spotted me and greeted me from the stage. He made some jokes about the farong in the audience, but I have no clue what he was talking about. It's always exciting to be put on the spot in another country where you don't understand a thing.

I miss

Why is it that I have this incredible desire to see the world, to go and experience life in other counrties, and when I have the opportunity to do that and I am living in another country, I spend a ton of time missing home? I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss autumn leaves. I miss bonfires, and roasting marshmellows. I miss...

Unwanted Affection

I am going to vent on-line for the world to read. I am stressed and annoyed. I am not a fan of guys right now. They don't take a hint. Ok, I am over-generalizing. I am not a fan of one guy in particular right now. He simply does not understand that I did not come to Thailand to have my heart won. I am not interested in a relationship with him and no amount of coersion will change that, in fact, the coersion only solidifies that. Why can nobody around here comprehend that I am not playing hard-to-get. I am being completely honest when I say that I am not interested. Now I am hearing that I think I am better than the men here, and that I simply don't like him because he is Thai. NO! That has has nothing to do with it! I am simply annoyed that someone could decide that they like me and then begin pursuing me within a week of my arrival to the country. The fact that he refuses to let up just irritates me even more! I don't buy the line that it's because he likes me so much. He does not like me. He does not even know me. I am more than a female with white skin, which seems to be all that he's concerned about. When people suggest to him that there are others out there, and that he should give up on me and wait for the "next batch of farong," he replies, "but I'm getting older." There's a reason to fall "in love" with me! Because he's getting older! Somebody rescue me from this insanity!

From Afar

I just read a good friend's blogspot, and it makes me hate being on the other side of the globe from all of my good friends. The people I care about the most are moving through life without me. Some of them are hurting right now and I can't be there to support them at all. It totally sucks. Some friends are transitioning in big ways and accomplishing exciting things, and all I can do is applaud from afar. It's exciting to live and work in another culture and experience all that goes with that, but man do I miss home sometimes!

Security Blanket

So I just took one of those cheesey on-line quizzes that I love to take, and I found out that I deal with stress by turning to society-approved crutches. How very true that is. My coffee cup is my grown-up security blanket. I can't function without it. It is as much a psychological addiction as it is chemical. Of course it went on to say that I should stand on my own and learn to cope without the crutches, but what's the fun in that? I like coffee. My french press and I are quite happy together. I have no desire to give it up whatsoever. Why, exactly, do I need to stand on my own anyway? I see no need for it. And so I will continue to lean.

And Here I am

So now I am officially a blogger. Precious saints alive! and I can't think of a single profundity to post. Well folks, more excitment to come...