A Continuation of Christmas

Christmas was wonderful, although I haven't fully relinquished my hold on the holiday yet, so in my little unimportant world the holiday season continues. The festivities shall continue through the New Year and beyond.

I tried to shop today, but as I entered the first store I had a change of heart, and decided to spare my heart and just go home. I hadn't seen my home since Christmas morning anyway. It's been nice having a couple of days with friends and family, but an evening at home may be nice. My house is crying out for a little bit of attention, especially my bedroom. It's looking rough. Maybe I'll be inspired to do something about that today. Of course then again, maybe not.

Christmas Eve Eve

Tomorrow's Christmas Eve, and have I wrapped a single gift yet? No. Have I even finished me Christmas shopping? Nope! Will I? Eventually. I can't believe it's almost over already. I was planning to savor and enjoy every moment of it, and ... Puff! It's gone. How does that happen? I've been working a lot. But it hasn't been an overwhelming amount of work. I have no idea how it has all gone. And I am unprepared as usual. Welcome to the life of me. Well, Merry Christmas anyway!!!

Winter Insulation

There's less than two weeks until Christmas, and I haven't even started my Christmas shopping. I am way behind. I have no idea how I'm going to get it all done either. I just can't seem to find the time to get everything done. I just may have to get creative with things.

The snow has been falling like crazy here. It totally puts me in the Christmas mood. We decorated the Christmas tree today. It's been up for a while now with lights and cranberries, but today we finally put up the ornaments. (I put one up for you Jase - the hand painted one with your name on it.) We have been baking like crazy. Our kitchen is overflowing with Christmas cakes, cookies, and candies. My dad made this English toffee that is amazing. Nothing like Christmas goodies to pack on the pounds and provide some good winter insulation.

I am looking into my back yard as I write, and I am watching a doe chewing on our shrubbery. She's coming right down to our dining room doors. Deer never come that close to the house. What a funny little thing.

Jobs, jobs

I worked with my kids today. As usual it was wonderful, rewarding, and enjoyable. Right now I am working random jobs to make money while I search for "the real job". The thing is, all of my random, non-real jobs are wonderful, and I enjoy them so much! If you put all of my hours together from all of my jobs, I'm working more than full time. It almost makes me not want to get a real job. Ok, I don't want to get a real job, but that nagging sense of responsibility demands that I continue the search for one. Until I get one, however, I will continue to enjoy my days with the kids and my days at the shop.

Oh Tanenbaum

My family went to the tree lot and picked out a Christmas tree today. It was a numbing experience. My extremities have not thawed yet. I discovered that
picking out a Christmas tree to please the whole family is not always easy. Everyone has their own taste in Christmas trees. I like stiffer trees, the kind where you can hang an ornament and it won't slide off fifteen times because of flimsy branches. I like Christmas trees that are shaped like christmas trees, not like over grown bushes. I like them to be tall and full, but triangular, not round. Not everyone agrees with my taste. We ended up finding one that everybody approved of. It's actually very nice. I can't wait to decorate it.

I am bound and determined to enjoy the holiday season to its fullest this year, especially since I didn't really have one last year. Even dumb little things that nobody cares about are huge events for me this year. I refuse to listen to music that isn't Christmas music. At work I refuse to create packages or gift baskets that aren't Christmassy (no orders for Hannukah baskets yet). I definately wouldn't let my family just go out and pick up a tree without me. I had to be part of the process, browsing and delkiberating ovver which tree would best suit our needs and (of course) my taste. I even tolerate freezing temperatures for the experience.

As Christmas crazy as I have been this year, I have not done much Christmas shopping yet. First the money just wasn't available, and now the time isn't there. I'm also struggling for ideas. One thing about last year's Christmas season: the Christmas shopping was so much fun. Having Dave in Thailand with me, wandering through the markets, finding all kinds of random and somewhat exotic novelties to buy for people at home. It was a blast. This year it's back to America's malls and high prices. But that's part of being home for the holidays, so I can't complain. Eventually I will get the shopping dne, and then I will have a blast wrapping all the presents.

Shiver

We had Bible study at my house tonight. I think it went well. We have been doing a Sunday night, young adults Bible study at my house for a couple of months now. I really enjoy doing it. Of course we hang out and eat. That always adds to the enjoyment of an event.

I have had my first driving-in-the-snow experience of the season. Actually for me this was the first in years. I was a little freaked out. I made Tom come with me and talk me through the process. Eventually I'll get used to this winter thing again... maybe that will happen when I begin to feel my fingers, toes, and nose again... sometime in May? Anyway, despite the scarey driving conditions, it's all very pretty, although my view of it has been a little blurry. The perpetual shivering that I have been experiencing since somewhere in the middle of November seems to blur my vision. I am excited about Christmas, however. It will be nice to be back home for the holidays again this year, winter or not.

I have been working everyday but Sunday lately. I really love my jobs though. I love the children that I work with. They are all adorable. I have also been working at a gift/ coffee/ candy shop. That is a ton of fun. I manage the store while the owner works at the candy house. We make hot drinks, ice cream, baked goods, and gift baskets, etc. She gives me complete creative freedom. I have so much fun with it. Honestly, by the end of the day I am always left wondering where the time has gone. It's been great.

Quick Blip

I am in Lebanon, PA with Debbie and family for Thanksgiving. I bought a winter coat today. It's as orange as my shoes. I am so excited. My leather coats just weren't keeping me warm. Anyway, now I will look like a winter tangerine walking around this season.

So my family just bought a new computer this week and they are contemplating a decent internet service. The small-town dial-up thing is more frustration than it is worth. Maybe if my actually concedes that we need high-speed internet I'll actually be online again. One can hope.

I am going to work at a coffee/gift shop this Christmas season to suppliment my tutoring income. I get as much free coffee as I want while I am on shift. This could get dangerous. I am excited.

This is so me

I took another one of those tests:

The Peacemaker (the Nine)
Peacemakers are receptive, good-natured, and supportive. They seek union with others and the world around them.

How to Get Along with Me

If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don't like expectations or pressure.
I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advatage of this.
Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit.
Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It's OK to nudge me gently and nonjudgmentally.
Ask me questions to help me get clear.
Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery.
Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings.
I like a good discussion but not a confrontation.
Let me know you like what I've done or said.
Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life.


What I Like About Being a Nine

being nonjudgmental and accepting
caring for and being concerned about others
being able to relax and have a good time
knowing that most people enjoy my company; I'm easy to be around
my ability to see many different sides of an issue and to be a good mediator and facilitator
my heightened awareness of sensations, aesthetics, and the here and now
being able to go with the flow and feel one with the universe


What's Hard About Being a Nine (The negatives are definitely me.)

being judged and misunderstood for being placid and/or indecisive
being critical of myself for lacking initiative and discipline
being too sensitive to criticism; taking every raised eyebrow and twitch of the mouth personally
being confused about what I really want
caring too much about what others will think of me
not being listened to or taken seriously

Back at Lin's

So I'm at Lindsay's again,and therefore I can post. Jase and Tom are back in town. Life is wonderful. I have missed Jase soooo much, it's good to have him around again (if only for the week). It's good to hangout with Tom too although he's mainly preoccupied. Jase had me convinced to come back to CO with him earlier today, and then my mother reminded me of previously made obligations and destroyed those plans. It would have been so fun. Oh well. I guess I should stick around here and do something with myself. I really do want to get out there and bond with the guys at some point though.

So I Took J's Test

J, I think I enjoy these things as much as you do. Unfortunately Teacher was not on the list of possible jobs for me. Hmmm.


Career Inventory Test Results


Extroversion ||||||||||||||||||||| 63%
Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||| 50%
Orderliness ||||||||| 30%
Altruism ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Inquisitiveness ||||||||||||||| 50%




You are an Inspirer, possible professions include - conference planner, speech pathologist, HR development trainer, ombudsman, clergy, journalist, newscaster, career counselor, housing director, character actor, marketing consultant, musician/composer, artist, information-graphics designer, human resource manager, merchandise planner, advertising account manager, dietitian/nutritionist, speech pathologist, massage therapist, editor/art director.

A Brief Hello

I'm at Lindsay's where there is a functioning computer and decent internet access, so I decided to make use of it and actually post. I feel more cut off from the web at my parents home in the U.S. than I did when I was living in Thailand. How sad is that? Anyway, two of the boys are coming home this weekend!!!! I am so excited. Dave's coming home too, and he's bring his girlfriend. It's going to be a reunion!!! I can't wait! Now, time to find a job...

OBX'n It

So I'm bonding with my family and the sun on the Outer Banks right now. Fun times. Before too long all of my extended family will arrive and the noise index will increase dramatically, and hopefully so will the fun. It's nice to be back for a family tradition. I haven't been down here in four years. It will be good to see people who I haven't seen in ages.

Update

I know I haven't posted in ages. Sorry about that. I've been pretty busy lately, which I think has been good for me. Since my last post I spent a couple of weeks on the side of a highway in Philadelphia helping my brother to run a fireworks tent, spent a couple of weeks out east bonding with my Egyptian family, did dramas and medical clinics in Nicaragua with a team from my church, taught children at an Arabic conference, and bonded with the whole extended Egyptian family at Ocean City. I haven't been home much at all, but I think that's been good for me. Tomorrow I leave to spend two weeks with my family on the OuterBanks of NC. I haven't spent too much time with my family since I've been back from overseas, so this will be fun. The second week the while extended family will join us. Some of them I haven't seen in four years or more. I'm kind of excited. After all of that is over though, real life hits. That's not so exciting, but it's about time I face it. So here goes...

sunlight in the hole

So I'm trying this week to stay out of that hole as much as possible, but living in the light of day isn't incredibly easy or comfortable. The hole is appealing. Why are some things so hard? I don't understand myself.

that hole

Do you ever feel so insecure and inadequate that you'd just rather back up into a hole, hide yourself, and watch life from the opening, than participate somewhere where you can be seen and are vulnerable to attack? Eh, but life doesn't happen in that hole, and so I will do my best to drag myself into the light of day until at some point I am comfortable there again.

sunshine

Thank God for the sunshine. If a sunny day can be this depressing can you imagine what a rainy day would be like?

It's been a while...

So I haven't written in a while. Why? Mostly because I don't feel the need to share my psychological distress with the world via the internet. Also because my computer is a dinosaur that is in the process of fossilization and often won't let me post.

What have I been up to lately?
A million meaningless things that both amuse and depress me.

What do you do when people you care about add to your distress and you can't even talk to them about it? I guess you just fake it until you can get over it, until you can climb out of the pit you're in. I'm not very good at faking things though. It only last so long. Sometimes just ignoring things works, but then people bring them to your attention, and remind you that you are in that pit that you were pretending was a castle. How do you climb out of it? Every time I think I've found a ladder it collapses under my wieght. Everytime it collapses I look ridiculous to the crowd of friends at the top of the pit who watch me fall and land on my face. They pretend that they want to help me but the ropes they lower have rotted and crumble as I reach for them. In the end I resent their pity, and determine to make the pit my home.

Shoot Me

Today I bonded with my best friend all day. We went shoppping. I hate shopping, but sometimes it's necessary, and it'always better to do it when you have your mother's gift cards and a little moral support. We also went out for coffee where I think I had most of an emotional breakdown. Jason, this is what happens when you leave me here to survive this place without you. I have had quite a number of emotional breakdowns lately. I am not good at adjusting to change, and yet I seem to be the queen of change. I don't understand myself.

Where is the balance?

I can blog!!! For the first time in weeks my home computer is letting me post! This poor decrepit machine is struggling.

The wedding this past weekend was beautiful. Two of my closest friends from my school in Florida got married. Theirs is the kind of relationship that left me no doubts or concerns when they headed to the altar. Marraige seems pretty scary to me. So many of my friends have gotten married only to encounter major problems which either make the institution miserable or simply break it up. I guess marraige is never a sure thing, but I feel pretty good about this one. I'm really happy for them. As for me, well, I have another lovely bridesmaid's dress to decorate my closet with.

Now I'm home and back to the task of reorganizing my room, and somehow making it work for me. I think that culture shock is starting to catch up with me finally. I have begun to find some things hard to reconcile, American materialism for one. I have to once again find my place in this society that puts such an emphasis on things, on what you have, and how you look. I feel like I don't fit. I'm not as cute as all the other girls I see. I don't have the trendy clothes. I drive a ten year old car (to which I have quite an attatchment). I don't own a cell phone. Half of me feels like a bum for this. It makes me feel insecure. But the other half of me is proud of it. I'm not sure which is right. I'm not sure where the balance is found. Americans have things. It's part of the culture. Most people would have no idea how to live without their things. I wouldn't know how to live without most of my things. But is that healthy?

I find myself looking around me and feeling inferior because of what I lack. The battle has begun. I see things. I want things, but do I need them? Am I less of a person because of what I don't have? Of course not, I know that, but I still find myself struggling with that dumb insecurity. I feel guilty for that insecurity though, because I realize how shallow it is. I have a hard time reconciling the things that I have because of all of the people who I know who have so much less than I have. Where is the balance? What is the right view?

Bob

I chopped all of my hair off yesterday and donated it to charity. Now I'm bald.

I am in Rochester with my roomates from my first college. My roomie's getting married and the rest of us are the bridal party. My life, always the bridesmaid, never the bride. It's all good though. I like being a free spirit. Anyway, it's fun to be back with my friends. It's been three years since we've all been together. It feels like we never parted though. So much fun. Ok, well back to the pre-wedding bliss. I'll blog later.

Catching up...

It's been a while since I have posted. I've been running like crazy. I spent last week in Virginia hanging out with my brother, college friends, and professors. Good times. I loved hanging out down there, it made me miss college. I miss the whole atmosphere. I miss my professors. I was one of those cheesey students who hung out in my professors offices, etc. Yes folks, I am a nerd! I miss having so many people my age around all the time. I miss having so many friends around, always having people to hang out with. So much fun. Probably too much fun.

So this week I am home trying to fit my life back into the room I lived in in high school. Man have I thrown away stuff!!! I have been dumping my stuff in that room and then leaving for a good six years now. It's accumulated a lot of crap!!! Some it of makes me nostalgic. Some just makes me roll my eyes. I've done so many random things the past six years, made so many random friends, and what do I have to show for it? I'm not sure. Pictures. I have a bunch of pictures.

Tomorrow I am leaving for New York. I am in another wedding. It will be good to see people who I haven't seen in years, but I am a little nervous about it. It's gonna be weird. I am not too sure what to expect.

Sorry guys, but for some reason I can only publish the title box lately, so when I figure out how to post, I will post again.

 

Quick Update

I have only been online once since I got back to this lovely country, so I haven't been blogging lately. Right now I am visiting family. They all got together at my grandparents house last night and threw me a little birthday party. It was fun. I got to see relative that I haven't seen in ten years. Today we went to Philly and hung out down there. We went to all the historic site in the city. I really enjoyed hanging out in an American city. It was so clean compared to what I'm used to, and everyone spoke my language. Tomorrow we are going to New York to do the Statue of Liberty, etc. Good times back in the U.S.

Shock to the Senses

I am in the good ol' U.S.A.!!! I landed on U.S. soil in Chicago to strains of the Nutcracker Suite and snow. It disoriented me a bit. I thought that I had been coming home just in time to begin summer, but it felt more like I was coming home for Christmas vacation. Winter wonderland! From a Bangkok summer to U.S. winter, what a shock to the senses!

Everything else has been strangely normal. I thought everything would be odd, that I would have culture shock like I have every other time I have returned to the U.S., but I haven't really. I didn't even experience much jet-lag. Maybe the strangeness just hasn't hit me yet. I don't know. Whatever the case, I am really happy to be home, and to be with my friends and family. I can't wait to see everybody.

Goodbye Thailand Movies

So the movie people are getting annoying. I don't like to have an audience. You would think that I was the one making a movie the way they crowd around the window while I am teaching. Stress.

My evening students took me out to dinner to say goodbye last night. We had so much fun. Sometimes being the only foreigner in a group can be a blast. They are such precious people. I am really going to miss them. At the end of the evening they gave me gifts and the waterworks began. Saying goodbye really sucks! I just keep doing it though. Sigh. And tonight is the final goodbye. That will be rough. At least I'll be able to leave behind those annoying movie makers!

Movie Making

I guess that Bangkok is the LA of Thailand, and that's where I live. Today I walked into the staff room at school and was informed that I will have to change classrooms for the day because a Thai movie company is filming on the school property and they were using my classroom as a makeup room. So odd. The people, equipment, etc. was all out there when I headed to my classroom. I made the mistake of letting my students out for lunch when the lunch bell rang. Apparently they hadn't finished filming a clip, so my poor little grade one and grade two students unknowingly cased quite the ruckus on the set. They were quickly hushed and corralled into a waiting area until the scene was finished. During lunch hour it poured. I have no idea if that disrupted the filming, but the cast hung out all day. So weird.

Cold Wata' and Cold Weatha'

Ok, so the hot water that I was so excited about a couple of posts ago is gone. Sigh. Well it was nice for one day. Only two more days of cold showers and then I get hit with cold weather! We'll see if I can handle it. Don't forget that ice pick!!!

Evening ESL

I love my evening ESL class. I like teaching adults. I love teaching those adults. I always leave that class happy. I always anjoy teaching them. Even when my teaching day at the school has been really long and trying, and I come into the class dreading another hour of teaching, I always leave glad to have come. Tonight we tackled some confusing stuff. They worked so hard at understanding the concepts that I was teaching. I'm glad that English is my first language. I don't envy anyone trying to learn it as an adult. The adults in my class do really well though. I teach Basic I and Basic II, so sometimes communication within the classroom can be challenging. I often resort to my Grade 1 tricks to get a concept across. Sometimes I feel really stupid doing this, but they are great. They laugh at me, but they never make me feel stupid. I like teaching my little ones, but I think I prefer the adults. I love the little ones, but I'd rather babysit them than teach them. Teaching adults is so different. It just works better for me. I am really going to miss that class.

Tonight after my evening class I went bowling with my friends. I bowled a 179. I never do that. I break 100 only on the very best of days. I don't know what was going on today, but it was sure fun!

Hot Wata'

My bathroom has hot water!!! I know that I live in a tropical environment, and that cold water is usually a relief from Bangkok's heat, but sometimes taking a cold shower first thing when you get up in the morning is not a ton of fun. I am quite happy to have a heater for my shower water. I'll enjoy it thouroughly for the next three days. After that it's home to the U.S., land of hot showers and the home of the brave (or something like that).

Things The Teacher Is Still Learning

Disclaimer:
This post has been inspired by Alyssa (who I have never met in my life) and Tom (who I have known for about half of my life).

I am not about to finish my first year of college like the previously mentioned parties. I am, however, less than a week away from boarding a plane that will take me half a world away from Thailand which has been my home this past year, where I held my first "real adult" job, where I have been stretched and stressed, where I have made incredible memories, spent time with amazing people, and learned a lot about myself and about God. So, to follow in Tom and Alyssa's pattern, here are some of the things that I have learned this year, and am still learning, in no particular order:

1.) I have learned that a lot of people hate America, but I am still proud to be an American. I hope to represent it well and maybe I'll alter their view a little.

2.) I will probably never achieve the epitemy of adulthood that I had in my mind, but that's ok. I don't think anybody does.

3.) Not everything in life that is good is fun. Often experiences that are worth the most are not fun at all.

4.) I can handle more than I thought I could, but just because it's possible doesn't mean it's pleasant.

5.) Understanding a person's culture goes a long way toward understanding a person.

6.) God does not place you somewhere. He takes you there and stays with you. He never gives you a situation that He will not give you the strength to handle. He never abandons.

7.) The future will always be uncertain. Even when things seem stable and planned, nothing is sure, but God will always be there.

8.) You're not going to find a job that you love all the time. Even in the best situation life brings moments of unhappiness, that's where perserverence kicks in.

9.) All people are amazing. Even the ones who drive you crazy, there is something amazing about them.

10.) On my own I am nothing.

Week of Lasts

I am beginning my week of lasts. I hate those lasts. Today I went to the weekend market for the last time. I rode the skytrain for what was probably the last time. This week I'll do all of those things that I do on a daily basis here, and it will all be profound because it will be my last time. So sad. I will be sad to leave Thailand, to leave my lifestyle here in Bangkok. I will be sad to leave the markets, the street venders, my favorite food stands, the tuk-tuks, the elephants, the river taxi, the temples on every street corner, the people. I am excited to go home. I know it will be good, but I'm not there yet. Right now I am in the goodbye process, and I'm a little melancholy.

The Night Bus

Well. I'm back in Bangkok. Deona and I caught a night bus last night and headed back. Of course the bus left over an hour late (typical). It also ran out of gas on the side of a hill some where. When it finally started moving again the air conditioning vent above me dripped cold water consistantly everytime I started to fall asleep. I was pretty sure that I had had enough of Songkran, but apparently my air conditioning vent wanted to give me one last taste of the holiday. Oh the joys of bussing across Thailand!

Chillin' Thai Style

I have been wet all day and I am really cold (it's probably well over a hundred out there), but it's been a fun day. A bunch of the teachers that I know stayed at my friends house with me last night. This morning we were walking out of the neighborhood to catch the bus into town when a bunch of Thai people in a pick-up truck pulled up alongside of us and asked if we wanted to hop in. We figured "why not?" and hopped in. They drove us all over town where we got soaked and slimed by a million random people. Other pick-ups full of people drove past us and heaved buckets of water at us, little kids shot us with their squirt guns from their front doors, tourists attacked from every angle. It was soo much fun, and sooo wet! They finally let us off in the Night Bazaar area where we split up to wander around. Elly and I spent to day in this part of the city dodging water and sipping coffee the local Starbucks, and hanging out at a local sidewalk cafe. We chatted with other foreigners, took pictures of the chaos, read, wrote, etc. It was a pretty chilled out mellow kind of chaotic day. Chiiled out in a literal sense as well as a metaphoric sense. This evening Deona and I are going to meet up with some of our Thai friends to hang out. Should be fun. Everyone else is heading back to Bangkok where we'll be heading tomorrow night. Yuk.

Climatization

I think I must have finally climatized (or whatever the term is). This morning I found myself sitting on my friend's porch sipping my hot coffee and thinking "my, it's comfortably cool this morning." Well, then I looked at their thermometer which is in the shade, and it read 90 degrees. It was only maybe ten in the morning, so it hadn't gotten over a hundred yet, but it was still 90 and I thought that was cool!!! What am I going to do when I have to adjust to North American weather? Somebody bring an icepick to the airport to chip away at me.

Dripping in the Net Cafe

I said my tearful goodbyes to the friends whose house I am staying at today. They left for a family holiday, and I am staying at their house. I didn't realize that saying goodbye was going to be so difficult. I have been through a lot with that family though, everything from our very trying work situation, to First Christmas in Thailand, to Fields of dead bodies after the tsunami. I don't think I would have made it through this year with out that family, and I am really going to miss them.

Now I am dripping in a net cafe in town. Let me tell you how difficult a simple tast like catching a bus to Starbucks can become in the midst of a nation-wide water war! Chiang Mai is chaos right now. It's so funny! Don't step out your front door unless you are ready to participate. Nobody's shy about it either. Pick-up trucks with huge barrels of water and tons of people are driving around everywhere just nailing people with water. Parents have their children armed with super-soakers in the front yard ready to blast any passers-by. People are hanging off of the backs of songtaus with huge water guns strapped to themsleves as if they are part of a special songtau military. Tuk-tuk and motorcycle taxi rides are a bit dangerous right now with the amount of water flying through the air from any given direction at any given time. And of course everyone want a chance to get the farong. Sometimes standing out in the crowd is not an asset, but I guess it does make things interesting -- and a lot of fun!

Let the Water Wars Begin

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it or not, but I love Chiang Mai! I guess it may be evident in the fact that I come here everytime I have a break, and I rave about it to all of my friends. I love this city!!! It is beautiful, Thai, and smaller than Bangkok, but it still has all the comforts of home. It's a great place and if I ever move back to Thailand, I am moving to this area. So far my time here has been totally relaxing.

Yesterday I got to hang out with some of my Thai friends and a few of my farong friends as well. I went to church twice (once in English, and once in Thai), and I did some shopping at the famous Chiang Mai Night Bazaar. Why doesn't the U.S. have markets? Man am I gonna miss those!

Today I have been roaming around, being lazy, shopping a little, stopping at little cafe's, talking to people, and just enjoying the city - oh yeah, and dodging the occaissional onslaught of water. The festivities haven't gotten into full swing yet, but they have begun, my very damp shirt testifies to that fact. Mostly little kids have gotten me. So Much Fun! I hear them plotting against me as soon I am in sight. They chatter away in Thai. "Hey, look, it's a foreigner. Let's get her wet." With my very elementary understanding of the Thai language, I can still understand this much. So I know what's coming, and of course I appear to be absolutely horrified as adorable little Thai children come running at me from their hiding places with buckets of water and squirt guns. I act like I am trying to out run them as they giggle and chase me, squirting away. Eventually I decide that I really am wet enough and I do out run them effectively, leaving them giggling amongst themselves proudly with a "We got her!" attitude. I am sure that halfway through the week this will get annoying, but right now it's so cute. So fun.

Songkran Here I Come!

Tonight I am off for Chiang Mai. I am hoping to spend the week visiting with all of my friends from the north and several from Bangkok who will be in the north. I'll probably spend most of the week dripping, because this week is the Songkran Festival, a week-long, nationwide water fight from which no one escapes unscathed, or should I say unbathed. I have heard that it's pretty crazy, and I can foresee it getting a little annoying at times, but hopefully I'll have a good week anyway. Relaxation is what I'm aiming at, but in order to do that I may have to hide in my friends' house. We shall see how it goes!

Breakfast Guest

I didn't sleep well last night, so I got up a little early and went upstairs to make my morning coffee. While I was preparing my coffee I heard some scratching noises coming from under one of the cupboards. I figured it was just one of the friendly neighborhood lizards. They run around in all shapes and sizes and never bother anything so I ignored it and forgot about it. I forgot about it, that is, until I absent-mindedly walked toward that cupboard and frightened a mid-sized rat-type creature out of it's hiding place. I was caught off guard, so (brain child that I am) I walked toward it's alternate place of refuge to make sure I had really seen a rat. Of course the gray creature with an ugly tail was a little nervous that a frighteningly large giant was following it. It broke free of it's second hiding place and went zig-zagging all around the kitchen bouncing off of things in the process. As it was panicking all over the kitchen I came to my senses and panicked a bit with it. Basically I just jumped on a chair and watched it blaze it's little trail until it disappeared. After it was gone I climbed off of my chair and thought how nice was is to have company at breakfast in the morning.

Culture Shock Prequel

Today was a random holiday in the middle of the week. It was kind of nice though because it fell right when my roommate was back in town for the day. We got to hang out together and just chill. Tonight we went to a movie with some of our Thai friends. One of them drove. It was so nice to be in a person's car rather than a taxi, tuk-tuk, bus, boat, songtau, skytrain, subway, or any of the other random modes of transportation that I take to get around this city. Those are all cool, I don't mind them. They're can sometimes be quite an experience, but I found myself sitting in TDum's car this evening thinking "oh yeah, this is what it feels like." We had control of the radio. We had control of where we wanted to go. It was just our group of friends and nobody who we didn't know. It sounds weird, but I had forgotten what that feels like.

I go home in two and a half weeks, and I think that I am going to discover a lot of things that I had forgotten. Bangkok is no longer foreign to me. It doesn't have hometown familiarity, but I am used to it. It's still an adventure everyday, but it's an adventure that doesn't throw me off quite as often as it did when I first got here. When I get home I'll realize how many things I've gotten used to here. What a weird though. Culture shock here I come!

Thai Massage

So I finally went for a massage here. Thailand is known for their massages, but I've always been a little afraid of them. I went last night with two of my friends to a place on my friend's soi. What I thought would be a nice time of quiet relaxation ended up being neighborhood gossip time in the buff with all of the ladies on the soi. Funny stuff. And all of that chatter was in Thai, so once again I had an opportunity to work on my language skills.

Clouds and Contemplation

It stormed today. The thunder cracked louder than I have heard in months and it poured. The weather matched my mood. I said goodbye to so many people today. I was a little depressed, a little lonely. This place is far too quiet now. I don't know how to handle it. I'm sure my class full of rambunctious six and seven-year-olds will snap me out of my cloud of gloom first thing tomorrow morning. I am starting back to my evening classes as well. At least I'll be really busy for my last three weeks here. I'm sure it will be good.

In his prayer at the beginning of today's sermon, my pastor said, "Lord thank You that the whole earth is yours and all that is in it, and that when our eyes are closed in prayer, that is when we see all that we truly possess." What a true statement. Everything in this world that we consider ours can be taken from us in an instant. Nothing tangible is eternal. Only the sacred hope that we have in Christ is lasting. It's a good reminder to hold lightly to what we have on earth, and to set our priorities on the eternal. Something that I certainly struggle with. Something to ponder and work on.

Starbucks

Yesterday Starbucks taught me how to use thier equiptment and offered me a job. Unfortunately I will soon be moving and will not be able to take it. If the job had been offered in August I probably would have taken it simply to be surrounded by coffee on a regular basis. Good thing it wasn't. I was a pretty neurotic mess this year with only one job. Could you imagine adding another job to that and then pumping me with more caffine than I already have in my body on a daily basis? Yeesh. Not a very good thought. I made a pretty darn good latte though!

Today I went to the market with my friends. Man did I spend the baht! I got wedding presents and miscellaneuos other things. It was a productive trip, and fun, but man was it hot! The heat index today is up above 120 again. I am really looking forward to getting back to the States for spring weather!

Dinner Entertainment

So teaching summer school has been really good so far. My kids have been really cute. Some of them know no English whatsoever, but some are really good. Basically I'm just teaching conversation and phonics. Today we learned the polite way to respond in English if somebody sneezes. I had a class full of first and second graders sneezing their little hearts out. They were so funny. We had a lot of fun with it.

This evening my friends and I went to the mall and to Khao San Road. Khao San is such a backpackers haven. All the European tourists who are doing the southeast Asia loop stay there while they are in Bangkok. It's a cheap place to stay and a good shopping area. The markets there have all kinds of random things that foreign tourists want. It's definitley a different atmosphere from the markets here where I live though. It's nice to go there and eat western food, and mingle with so many random people, but the atmosphere there is much more jaded and harsh than it is here in my neighborhood.

Tonight my friends and I ate at a really good Italian restaurant on Khao San. The table that we sat at was out on the sidewalk. An adorable ten-year-old boy came to our table trying to sell us roses, and ended up spending the evening there. I practiced all of my Thai on him and he entertained us with coin tricks. My friend bought him ice cream and he made himself at home at our table. He was SOOO cute! We had a really good time playing with him until he finally got shewed away by a local cop. Of course we each bought a rose from him before he left. I gave mine to another vender's daughter who was also very adorable. Fun times. It's moments like those I'll miss when I leave Thailand. Evening like that make this place special.

Monday, Monday

Yesterday was Easter Sunday, and all of the farong staff got together for a big dinner to celebrate. It was a lot of fun, but bittersweet. It was our Last Supper. This week everyone is cleaning out their classrooms, homes, and dispersing for random places on the globe. Bittersweet. We are all a little sad to see this year end, but I think most of us are pretty excited for whatever is next. I'll be sad to see everyone go. I'll miss everyone. This month is going to be so quiet! I think it'll be good though.

I started teaching summer school today. It was good. I am teaching first and second grades. I only have fifteen students in my class though, and they are really good. I am kind of happy to be back in the classroom. I enjoyed my break immensely, but it's good to be back to work, and the work environment here, though sometimes chaotic, is much easier to deal with than the last one. My students seem to be pretty cute too. I am sure this month will be a good one.

Happy Easter!!!

Love that I am loved by a living God.

Happy Good Friday

A perfect day to reflect on how much we have to be thankful for, how blessed we really are...

Thoughts

So many things have been good lately. I am enjoying life so much right now. It's almost frightening to me, but I know I should just enjoy the good times and not worry about the bad. I went back and read my journals from the past six months today. I was really depressed for a while. I was truly miserable. Now I am having a great time and really enjoying things here. It's crazy how things change. Monday I have to start teaching summer school here at GES. Hopefully teaching here will be different from teaching at the other school. Hopefully it will go well. I think that it will be good, but I always get a little nervous when I am about to start something new. Only one more month left here in Thailand! I can't believe it. Time is going by so quickly. Oh I hope the rest of my time here is good.

Lists

I have been thinking a little about Jeremy's Death Clock blog, and about the idea of making a list of things that I want to accomplish before I die. Right now I am looking at the future with no clue as to what I am going to do next, or ever for that matter. The thing is I always come to this point where I am looking ahead at a blank future, and I never have a list to refer to to figure out what to do next, but God always lets me know what He wants me to do. I decided that I don't want to make a serious list. I always make little lists of random thing that would be cool to do in life, but none of them too serious. I think though, that that's a good thing, because I want to be open to whatever God wants me to do, and not get too focussed on things that I had set out to accomplish. It's worked out alright for me so far. I've gotten to live in random places and do random things that I would have never put on a list of my own.

Tsunami Stuff

This past week was amazing. It was a trip that combined Campus Crusaders from universities all over the U.S. with Crusaders from universities from all over Thailand. The combination was incredible. This was why I came to Thailand. This week represents what I love about being in places like this. It was truly amazing.

There were more than 300 of us, American, Thai, and a smattering of other nationalities. We broke into three major teams and various subteams. The three teams went to three different locations. One team went to an island that had been completely destroyed by the tsunami. They spent the week clearing debris and doing whatever they could to help the villagers who were displaced from the island by the waves. Another team worked within a fishing village on the mainland, clearing debris, repairing houses, and doing whatever the villagers needed. The team that I was on worked alongside a tribe of sea gypsies to building a village from the ground up. They had nothing left to even salvage after the waves, so the village that we worked at was being built from scratch. My meanial job was to run the skill saw. I spent most of my time measuring and cutting siding boards. I really enjoyed it though.

We didn't get as much done as I would have liked to. When we first got there things were pretty unorganized and communication was a little difficult, but soon we got a system going and communication improved. Even at the beginning when the foreigners and the Thai were learning to work together and struggling a lttle with communication, everyone was incredibly patient and kind. Watching everyone work together was great.

One day, work was cut short because of another tsunami scare. Apparently there was another earthquake in Indonesia. Somebody phoned the info down to us on the site and everyone headed for the busses and headed out. When one of my team members told me about it, I laughed, rolled my eyes at her and kept working. I totally thought that she was just being stupid. Then I saw everyone running, and I figured that I should follow so that I at least had a ride back to where we were staying. The scare was nothing more than a scare, and I know it happens down there all the time now. Most of us weren't bothered about it, but a few people were a little shaken.

The tribe itself was living in tents and temporary housing constructed from various peices of debris in an area a little ways from our worksite. We were able to spend time with them after work on several of the days. The people there were so gracious in recieving us into whatever form of home they had. I felt like I really made friends with one family in the village. I definately had an opportunity to work on my Thai language skills. I loved using as much of the language as I could. We really wanted to let them know that we care, and that God cares. I hope we were able to show them the kind of love and hope that they need right now.

It was so good to be back in the same area where I was right after the waves hit. It was good to see improvement. It was good to see rebuilding, to see new life spring up where in December I had seen the worst death and destruction of my life.

Honestly, this is what I came to Thailand for. This is why I will be sad to leave. Doing things like what we did in the south is where my heart is. I just wish that I had been able to hook up with an organization like Campus Crusade for Christ earlier in my time here. Who knows what the future holds though. Who knows where else I will go and what else I will be able to be part of. God knows.

Missin People

I don't know why, but I am really missing everybody from home today. Yesterday I was in an "I'm going to explore the world" mood, and today I just want to be home with my friends and family. I don't know what my problem is. I'll be home soon enough though. I just seem to have this nagging anxiety. I don't know where it's coming from. I'm sure it will pass. I haven't been this homesick in a while though. It's not like I am miserable here. Usually when I am hating my job or something I am homesick, but right now I'm not. I'm just really missing everyone right now.

Tonight I am supposed to leave for the trip south. That should keep me busy and keep my mind from being homesick. I really hope the week goes well. I'm excited about it. It will be good to get back down there and see some improvement fromthe devastation that I saw the last time I was down there. Lord help me to make a difference.

Beautiful Feet? Probably Not.

So today was a fun day. I taugh English at the English Camp this morning. We had a good time. We just did ESL games.

After that three of the girls and I went out for pedicures. I had never experienced the wonders of the pedicure before. It is quite the magical experience. I rather enjoyed it, and now my feet are passable if not somewhat attractive. Ok, I don't want to go too far. They may not be beautiful, but now they have five little spots of mauve at the end of them.

When our pedicures were over we dicided that the fun shouldn't end there, so we grabbed a cab and headed for Khao San Raod to do some shopping. Of course we had fun with that. I grabbed some fisherman's pants, and a few other Thailand specials. I really enjoyed bartering today. Somedays I just don't have it in me, but today I had a great time using as much of my Thai vocabulary as possible, and when my Thai didn't convince them, I pulled out my lower lip. We finished the day off with dinner at this amazing Italian restaurant. Arroy mak mak. So very very delicious!!!

Island to Urban

I stayed on the island a little longer than I had planed, which was really nice. I took the extra time to get started on my advanced certification and to hang out with the adorable boys that I was diving with. There's nothing like spending the whole day diving, and then hanging out with everyone on the beach in the evenings, chatting, listening to live music from one of the local beach bars, etc. Soooo nice. I think I'm hooked.

Ahh I could have stayed there for so much longer, but alas, I must teach at an English camp this weekend, so I had to return to Bangkok. One my way back I got to meet and hang out with some really cool travellers. I also had the joy of eating from the wrong vender and feeling it for the next two days. I'm still a little sick today, but getting over it.

Today I teach at English camp. It should be fun. I'll be pulling out a bunch of ESL games and having a good time with the students.

Monday I am planning on leaving for the south with a bunch of Thai university students. I am going with Campus Crusade on a relief trip to an island villge in the south. We'll be doing tsunami recovery work. I am not completely certain what all that encompasses, but we shall see.

Island Life

I only have two dives left and I have yet to see a shark. Pout. I have been having a really great time though. I love diving. I wish I could stay down here for my advanced course, but I guess I should be practical with my time and money (even if its not really fun to be practical). Tomorrow is my last day of diving, and Erin is coming which should be fun. I will be sad to head back into Bangkok though. I could do another week of island life.

Lovin' the Tropics

My first day of dive classes went really well. I had a lot of fun. My class consists of me and three British boy who are fresh out of high school and traveling together before starting university. I am glad about that. It's a comfortable class. The boys and the instructors are goofy and fun. My classroom instructor so far has been this tall, barrel-chested Dane with unruly blond hair and a deep red sunburn. He's from Copenhagen and he dove in the waters of Denmark until he could afford to complete his instructor's course and move to this remote little island. My in-water instructor is a very nice Scot names Craig. He has the best accent and eternal patience. He makes the in-water sessions a lot of fun. So far we have only worked in the pool, but tomorrow we head out into shallow water. The next day we hit deeper stuff. They tell me that this past week a team got to see a whale shark where we will be diving the last two days. That would be sooo sweet. A whale shark or a manta ray would be amazing, but not incredibly likely. We shall see what we shall see! Should be exciting.

The island that I'm on is really small and mellow. Not too many people here. It has government regualted power, since it's just a tiny little island out here in the middle of the Bay of Siam, so our little bungalow that we're renting for about $3 each per night only has power from 6pm to 8am. It's all good though, we don't really need power for anything here. Just sunshine, sand, and water.

I made it!

Today was the last day of school. Our little graduation ceremony went really well. It was so much fun to see the little ones with their parents. My students performed and they did a great job. I am so proud of them.

Tonight my roomate and I are off to Koh Tao to do some scuba diving. Mmmm. Five days of white sands, turquoise waters, coral reefs, relaxation. Wonderful. What more can I ask? I can't wait.

Methaphoric Mumbling

I chatted with Jeremy this morning. He and Tom are at home and I'm missing the reunion. I wish I could be there with them, but of course I wouldn't give up my last couple of months here. I just wish that they'd still be there when I get home. It's interesting to hear Jeremy's impressions of home. It makes me wonder what my impressions will be when I go back. It will be so wonderful to see everyone, and to be back in familiar places with familiar people,eating familiar food, hearing that familiar southwestern Pennsylvania accent (which I didn't realize existed until I moved away). When the excitement of all the reunions wears off though, how will I react? Will I be able to settle back into life at home easily? How difficult is it going to be? I know that many things will be different, but many things will also be the same. Will I begin itching to go again, or will I be ready to settle. So many questions that only time can answer I suppose.

Sometimes questions like these bother me, but mostly they just amuse me. I love being young. I love having options. I love that the future spreads out ahead of me like a buffet, the options are endless and if something is really good I can go for seconds. (Can you tell I've been thinking about food?) Having questions like those means that there are possibilities. Life is still a great wilderness waiting to be explored. I have only just begun.

Two More Days

Two days left of this school year. Two days left of running around trying to be invisible, trying to aviod the women who seems to be bent on driving me insane. Two more days of being yelled at and blamed for things that are completely her fault. Two more days of thinking of good come-backs after she's already stalked triumphantly away. Two more days of the sound of my own name causing the hair to rise on the back of my neck. Soon I will be free of her. Out from under her "motherly" gaze. Away from her constant criticism and lies. She will no longer be able to send me to the alter to repent whenever I don't take the blame for her own lack of responsibility. She will no longer be able to tell me just what God "really" thinks of me. I will be far away from her. Two more days and I am finished. Bitterness? Me? No way!

I Love Norah Jones

Just in case you were wondering...

Relapse

The plague has caught up to me again. Yesterday I found myself outside shivering in 95 degree heat. I had goosebumps! I was sore all over, my back, head, and stomach hurt. No fun. This morning, I am not feeling much better, but I am armed with drugs, so hopefully I can do what I need to today.

Tonight is the Norah Jones concert. I am really excited! I love her. I am going to be really upset if I am sick for that.

Life Update

I am feeling a lot better than I was, although the headache is still sticking around. This weekend I was a total bum. I laid around in my pajamas, read, and graded student work. I just didn't feel like facing the pollution outside. I didn't feel like facing the heat, or all of the overwhelming smells of our soi. I really didn't feel like being far from my bed to be honest. I slept so much this weekend. Half of me feels like I wasted a ton of time sleeping, and the other half wants to go take a nap right now. Go figure.

I went to the English speaking church this morning. I met a cool girl there who is my age. She just started working with Bangkok Campus Crusade. She came out to lunch with some of the other teachers and me. She's planning on coming on the relief trip south that I'm going on in March. I can't wait. I'm really excited about that.

This is the last week of school. I can't believe it. I am really excited about it though. I'll miss the students, especially the littlest ones, but I'm really excited about what the next couple of months holds. Friday night after our little graduation program, my roomate and I are getting on a bus and heading to an island. I am going to get my open water scuba licence, and she will dive as well. She already has her licence, but it'll be fun to hang out together at the beach. After that, we will do an English camp witht the local Thai church, and then it's off to Indonesia for her and off to the south for me. During April I'll be teaching the summer sessions here at GES. Then it's home for me! My last two months here have started! They re going to be great!

My Sahby

I'm feelin' like crap today. I just want to curl up and sleep so that I don't have to feel this cruddy, but my head hurts so bad that I can't sleep. My students of course chose this of all days to be insane, and this is my longest hardest day anyway. Not fun. I hope I feel better tomorrow. Just thought I'd pop on and complain, hehe. Now back to bed.

Rubber-necking

My friends and I caused a car accident today. We went to the movies tonight, a favorite passtime of ours, and on the way we caused quite the ruckus. There were six of us, and (cheap teachers that we are) we decided to save on cab fare by squeazing into one cab. We climbed in, one in the front with the driver and the other five piled in the back. It must have been quite the sight, five farong shoved into the backseat of a Bangkok taxi. Apparently it caught somebody's attention, because somewhere along the elevated highway we heard a loud crunch. "Oh my goodness!" shreiked my friend. "That guy was so busy staring at us that he just ran into the back of that taxi cab!" Sure enough we looked back to see traffic piling up behind the fender-bender that we unwittingly contributed to.

Bangkok Markets

The one thing I'm going to miss about living in Bangkok is the markets. Any given sidewalk in this city is crowded with vendors of some form or another. I went to the mall last night with my roomate, but I didn't buy anything there. Why buy stuff at the mall when all of the streets outside of the mall are covered with perfectly good markets which sell things for half the price or less? It's more fun to shop at the markets anyway. You get to interact more (which for a foreigner is usually either hilarious or frustrating). The bartering is like a sport. The stuff is always cheaper. Of course the vendors cause extreme slowdowns in sidewalk traffic, but the hustle and bustle of sidewalk shopping just added to the life and character of the city. It's part of what makes Bangkok, Bangkok.

Frustration

There's no pleasing anybody, not that I even care. It's just annoying to be harped on all the time. When I first got here all I heard about was how fat I was. I got called fat, giant, and random Thai words that don't mean anything attractive. Now everybody's harping about how thin I am. Honestly I don't notice any difference. I'm not that thin. Especially not compared to the Thai women. But they won't just leave me alone and let it go. This country's obsessed with weight. They keep trying to give me money so that I will eat. Trust me, I eat. They all make fun of me at meals saying that I must be on a diet. Trust me I'm not. I may have lost a pound or two of sweat because I am not used to living in a perpetual sauna, but I haven't done anything special, and nobody needs to be concerned about my health! My manager was just in here informing me very loudly that I am not healthy because of my eating habits. What does he know about my eating habits? And why does he feel the need to yell all the time? Ok, I think I'm done venting for now. Sorry bout that guys.

My Babbling Brain

The weekend is over, but it was a good one. Saturday morning I went to Chat-u-chak market with a couple of the girls. For some strange reason I was actually in the mood to shop. That is fairly rare. I'm not a huge fan of shopping. Saturday morning, though, I was in the mood for a market, so I found some girls who were heading to the biggest market in Bangkok, and we grabbed a cab. The shopping wasn't great, which is probably great for my budget. I only ended up getting a shirt and a pair of shoes. Orange shoes. Go figure. I went hoping to find a wedding gift for a friend. Oh well. We went to Big C and then stopped for lunch at Sambat's on the way home. His wife makes a great yellow curry which I was in the mood for. Mmm.

When I got home, my friends dropped off their daughter for the weekend. It was their anniversary weekend, and I love their daughter so she hung out with me for the weekend. We ordered pizza, made brownies, watched movies, looked at magazines, and did all the fun slumber party things. I took her to church with me this morning, and then we went swimming afterward. We had a really good time. When we were done swimming I took her to Que Pasa, a Mexican restaurant, for lunch. We had such a good weekend that she begged her Dad not to come get her. She is so funny. I am going to miss that girl when I leave. She whines and pouts everytime I mention leaving.

Spending time with her really makes me think though. Kids often have a different perspective on things than adults do. Spending time with her also reminds me that everything I do and say matters. Everything I do and say is seen or heard by somebody, even if it's God alone. Often I don't even consider the fact that I am being watched, and that my behavior and attitude affects others. I'm especially visible here. My skin is different from everyone else's. I'm the foreigner. Even with the students who are used to me, I am the teacher which makes me an example. It's quite an intimidating concept when you begin to realize how much of your life is perceived by another.

I feel like God has been speaking to me lately through random people and events. He used this weekend to remind me of a lot of things. I really need to focus on what's important. It's so easy for me to let life cloud my view of what is important, to cloud my perspective, to cloud my view of God. Sometimes God uses life to clear away it's own haze though. I guess I just need to stay tuned in to what He's saying and doing. It's like life is this big orchestra that He's conducting. I don't want to get so caught up in the music that I'm creating that I get out of synch with the conductor. It's kind of a dumb metaphor, but it's what my brain is producing at the moment. Anyway, I love that God is so clear and at the same time so mysterious. I love that He's in control of the universe and at the same time so very personal.

I am trying to learn to cherish the moment. Things are moving quickly now. I have so many exciting things coming up, that it's hard to simply live in the present and enjoy it. Sometimes I feel like my mind is everywhere but here where I am. That's one of the things that I have been trying to work on though, is simply living in the present, making the most of it. The past is gone, and the future is uncertain and could be snatched away in an instant, but the present is what I've been given to work with. I better do my best.

I don't know where all this is coming from, but there you have it. That's what I've been doing and thinking about lately. And that's that.

It's Winding Down Folks

The week is almost over, and I only have two more weeks of school left after that!!! I can't believe that the school year is almost over! After that things will fly around here. Man I am going to miss my students, especially Kindergarten. They are so cute. I'll also miss a bunch of the Thai teachers that I work with and the office staff. I can think of a person or two that I won't miss too much at all though. It'll be a bit of a relief to get away from them. I am glad that I won't have to spend my last month and a half in Thailand working under them. I think I am going to really enjoy the rest of my time here. I am really excited about all that is coming!

Letting Off Steam (Literally)

I swear lately I am a constant puddle. I drip from place to place and when I can't move anymore I simply sit and puddle. Hot season has arrived, and I cannot take the heat!!! Even that cool season was really warm for me, but at least I didn't sweat in the mornings then. Now the heat is suffocating all day long, and there's no relief. The humidity doesn't help either. High 90's and high humidity are not the most comfortable combination, and the humidity forms this atmospheric seal that seems to hold in all of Bangkok's pollution. The mosquitoes don't seem to share my sentiments. They seem to love this weather. They are thriving. Of course that may also have to do with the exquisite feast of my flesh that keeps their bellies full. Right now as I type pink welts are forming on every exposed surface. Death to them!!! Death to them all!!! I have had a head cold all week, and I am always hot, and I am tired of being dinner to a thousand little blood sucking creatures, can you tell I'm grumpy about it right now?

Whew!

Ahhhh. I finally have some things figured out, or at least mostly figured out. I know when I am going home now. I have a decent idea of what I will do until I go home. A huge weight has been lifted off of my mind. What a great feeling. Now to figure out what I am going to do when I get home. Eh, but I guess I must take things a step at a time. Now to enjoy the rest of my time here, to make the most of it and to be wise with my time and resources...

I have realized that I have a problem in life. I want to do everything. I want to travel, I want to experience, I want to see. I want to spread my wings and go wherever they take me. At the same time I want to develope my roots, and establish myself. It's this whole limiting humanity thing that troubles me. The whole having to choose thing. I don't want to choose, I want to do it all, but God makes us human. He only gives us one life to live, and we never even know just how long that life will be. I am trying to learn to prioritize. I want to be wise with my time and my resources. I don't want to be selfish with them. I want to do what God wants me to do, but I find myself being pulled in so many directions. A million different possibilities are always fighting for my attention. Life is so exciting. The possibilities are endless. I just don't want to waste them by not exploring any, or by exploring too many. Lord, help me to be wise.

Happy Valentines Day!

I don't know why I love this holiday so much. I am always single on V-Day. For some reason though, I love it. I handed out chocolates to all of the Thai teachers at school, and helped Kindergarten make cards covered with red and pink hearts. Some of my little students gave me little heart stickers and cards. The K-1 students all told me that they loved me, and gave me little kisses on the cheek. They are so cute!!!

Im Lao

Tonight the farong teachers at the school that I teach for, pulled together a western meal for a bunch of the Thai teachers from the local government school. Man did we eat well! Ken and Melissa hosted us all at their house. They made the main course, roast beef. We also had mashed potatoes, gravey, vegetables, crab on toast, fresh tropical fruits, deviled eggs, sauted mushrooms, and for desert brownies, cakes, and chocolate banana crepes with real whipped cream. Anybody hungry? We wanted them to try good, true American food. The only form that they were familiar with was the kind taken from the counter at the golden arches. We talked about culture, teaching, and food. They helped us with our Thai, and we helped them with their English. Good food, good conversation, good times.

Gotta Have That Coffee

I just forgot to pour my coffee into my cup, and so I absent-mindedly just took a sip of the powder creamer in the bottom of the cup. Honestly, until I get coffee into my system in the morning I am so spacey!

I went out with some of my friends last night and saw Finding Neverland. I really liked it. I have seen a bunch of good movies lately. For a while there they were all really supid, but lately they have been getting better. The International Movie Festival kicked off the good movie spree with Modigliani. Then came Phantom, which I loved, although my little community of farongs has given mixed responses to it. Last night's movie another one worth seeing.

Chinatown

I went to Chinatown last night for the Chinese New Year celebration to welcome in the year of the rooster! That's my year, by the way. I dressed up in a new shirt with a mandarin collar and gold chinese emblem on the front and my floor-length jean skirt, and my friends Gus and Duk called me "China doll" all night. My friend Kari and I took the river taxi down into Chinatown. I love the river taxi. It's so relaxing, and the trip is beautiful in the evening. As the sun sets all of the little waterfront restuarants and hotels begin to light up, and the river boats all sparkle with strings of twinkle lights. As soon as we got off of the pier, the sights, sounds, smells, and crowds overwhelmed our senses. My eyes were everywhere trying to take in all of the festivities as I was swept along by the current of people. The area was crammed with venders, food carts, wandering musicians, beggars, children in costume, monks. There were stages set up on either end of Chinatown with various performances going on, bands playing, traditional dance, etc. Kari and I were hungry, so we bought some wontons munch on. Well, one of my wontons drooled all over my foot, so I walked around all night with sticky wonton juice in my toes. We didn't do much more than drift around staring at everything and taking pictures.

At the end of our evening we ran into some of the other teachers from the school that Kari teaches at and I live at, we shared a cab ride home. Well, the fun didn't end there. Our cab driver, seeing that we were farong coming from Chinatown on the Chinese New Year, thought that we might be in the mood for a bit of tourism. He gave us a full tour completely in Thai of the government buildings, royal residences, wats (temples), and a zoo in Bangkok on our way home. He was a lot of fun. We tried really hard with our limited Thai to understand some of the tour, and to converse with him. I think he really appreciated the effort. There was plenty of laughter in the cab on the way home.

Moment of Nostalgia

I talked to my friend last night. I walked into her townhouse to drop off her dvd player, and ended up staying for three hours. While I was hooking her dvd player back up she spoke up. "I've made a decision. I'm going home." I was totally not expecting that. Just earlier that day we had had a long conversation about how she was staying here again for next year, and all the preparation that goes with it. "You're what?" I blurted. She started crying. "I know I'm needed here and that everyone expects me to stay, but I really need to go home." I ran over to hug her, and we launched into a huge sniffling conversation about expectations and priorities. We just talked about what is important to us. We realized that we are both at a place where we want to settle near home for a while. We want to reconnect with people who are important to us.

Yesterday the song "Oceanfront Property" kept running though my head. It reminded me of when I was little and Dad used to put on his country records and dance with us around the dining room. It made me miss my family. I feel like I am always so far away or I am in transition between far away places. I miss being a part of things. I want to be part of my little brother's adolescence (although once I am I may change my mind, lol). I want to be able to go to breakfast with my Dad. I miss being part of my church, and all of my friends there. I miss seeing the seasons.

I have been really lucky to do all of the things that I've been able to do. I have had some great opportunities, but I'm just ready to be home for a while.

Are We Still In Thailand?

Erin and I took two of our Thai friends to church yesterday. We took them to the international church that some of the teachers go to. It is inside of a fairly wealthy gated international community. When you drive into the community it feels like you are leaving Thailand behind and entering Florida. It's really quite strange even to me, and I've lived in Florida. To Lee and Gift it was surreal. They just kept looking around them and making comments like, "Are we still in Thailand?" We had a lot of fun though. Behind the church there is a community pool. It is huge and it is right alongside that lake, so it is quite beautiful. Erin and Gift swam in it while Lee and I drank cold coffee drinks on the Starbucks balcony that overlooks the pool. Lee and I chatted with another teacher about what we are all going to be doing next year, the Thai economy versus the American economy, funny language issues, etc. After everyone was finished swimming, we all went to Que Pasa, the nearby Mexican restaurant for lunch, and introduced Gift and Lee to some new and exciting foods. It was quite a fun day.

That evening after a bit of a rest, Erin and I became quite the little domestics. We spent the whole evening baking. We made scotchies and brownies from scratch. Mmmmm did our building smell good. All of the people living in the building, who we hadn't seen all weekend came out of the woodwork. Erin and I both ate enought cookie dough to make us sick. So much fun!

A Little Annoyance

I confronted my devoted admirer again today. He's been leaving me gifts, and notes, and lurking at my job and the building that I live in. He makes me uncomfortable and he won't take a hint. I have talked to him in the past asking him to quit, and several of my friends have talked to him for me as well. Today he had a friend of his give me another little gift, and that was that. I got really annoyed, took the gift, stomped out to where he was sitting, and told him to stop. I told him to leave me alone and not to buy me things anymore. I am not very good at confrontation, and speaking to anyone in the tone that I addressed him in is completely out of character for me, but I had had enough! Hopefully he will get the hint this time. Annoyance!

Shake-in-a-Bag

I think that I am really snapping out of whatever that miserable slump was! I hope so anyway. I am definaltely not as miserable anymore, and I haven't had a stomach ache in almost a week. I even conflicted with the same crazy administrator at work today, and I still had a good day.

I am working alongside the blingual Kindergarten teacher to put together a graduation program for the students, so the first part of my morning was spent in the K-1 classroom. That is always a joy. Every morning I look forward to sliding open the K-1 door and waiting for the first one to realize I am there. When they do the room fills with shouts. "Miss SallAH, Miss SallAH!" They are soooo cute!!! I love that class. I am so glad that I teach them everyday.

After work today I went with a friend to get a shake from Oot, the lady on our soi who runs a shake cart. My friend and I just sat and had a good heart-to-heart. She is someone who I can really talk to, but we get the chance to see each other so seldom that it rarely happens. It was really good to bond in our plastic chairs on the soi while sucking chocolate-coffee shakes out of bags. (If you buy any kind of beverage from a street vendor here, it usually comes in a bag and with a straw.) It was also fun to chat with all of the soi regulars. My friend's Thai is much better than mine, so she chatted a lot more, but I participated as much as I could, which pleased the people who I was talking with.

This evening the Chinese, Thai, and Philipine teachers and I all got together to celebrate one of the Thai teachers' Birthday. They were all telling funny teacher stories. Because of the language barrier they often had to get up and act out the stories which made them even funnier. We had a really good time.

Anonymous Nose Picking

Another Monday down, and it wasn't bad. School was fine. My students were good. I avoided administrators as much as possible. Even the student that I tutor after school was more agreeable than normal.

After school Erin, Vicky, and I went to Khao San Rd to do some shopping. We ate at this amazing Italian restaurant. I had calamari, bruschetta, and some of Erin's gnocchi. That's a meal you can't find on my soi! Erin and I got facials. It was really fun expect that the lady doing mine kept stuffing the cleansing creams and lotions up my nose, and then she would have to go digging in there with her cloth. I have never had someone else pick my nose for me before. It was quite the experience. I also somehow ended up with a chip of glitter on my face before the night was up. Fun times!

What Weekend?

I went to Dreamworld today with a bunch of the Thai teachers. I had no idea what to expect out of the place, but it ended up being a tiny little amusement park. Being with the people that I was with made it so much fun. I love hanging out with them. I want us all to go ice-skating sometime soon. Now that will be an interesting experience. I told them that I would teach them how to skate. We shall see how that goes over. I can't wait.

Yesterday we had a huge Expo at my school. I managed a boothe promoting the college that I graduated from. I helped one young man actually fill out and send in his application. He is completely planning on going there in the fall. It will be really funny to see him there when I go down to visit my brother or something. Other than him, I have very little interest and very few visitors, which made the day fairly uneventful and slightly boring. It was really hot. We were all sitting in puddles of sweat by mid-morning. The day was really long and tiring (mainly because of the heat) but it was pretty good.

I can't believe that tomorrow is the beginning of another work week. I hope it goes as fast as the last one. We have new schedules once again which gives each of the foreign teachers an extra class everyday. It makes a little more work for us, but I actually kind of enjoy it. My new class is actually decently behaved, and enjoyable to teach, and the extra work causes time to go faster. I hope this week is decent.

Unwanted Affection Again

Once again little notes and gifts are showing up on my doorstep and on my desk. It all smells strangely familiar, like I've experienced this before. Oh, wait, I have, a couple of times, and each time this started up I asked for it to stop, and then the guy behind it all sulked until the next time he started it all up. Yet another reason why I will be happy to leave this school. I will escape the never-ending, very unwanted affection of a certain person here. I don't even leave hints, I make requests. It's not like I am beating around the bush. Why can he not just leave me alone? If things haven't changed since I got here, and now I am planning on moving back to the U.S., why won't he just let it go? I do not understand, but I am thoroughly annoyed.

Hair-loss, Heart Talk

I am losing hair. I think that I am going to go home bald. I wonder how I would look bald? I wonder why I am losing hair? Probably stress. I should just shave my head and be done with it.

Once again I woke up this morning with a knot in my stomach. Of course then I fed it coffee which cannot be a good thing. If I don't kill my stomach with coffee in the morning though, then my head will kill me and I have a much higher chance of killing my students during the day. We wouldn't want that, and so I will continue on the road to an ulcer. Do I sound unhealthy or what?

Jase asked me yesteday if all of stuff I saw in the south when I was helping with tsunami relief may have affected my stress level. Another girl who went down there the week that I got home from it said that she thought it may be affecting her that way. I have no idea how much that kind of stuff can affect you, but maybe it has something to do with it all. I don't really know a ton about stuff like that. I never even took a psychology class.

I know that I am really glad I went. I think that it would have been a shame for me to be available and here at a time like that and not go to do what I could. I also know that it was really hard. For the most part I was fine while I was down there, but coming home to Bangkok was the rough part. Going back to my job has been extremely difficult, especially since we all know I like my job so much.

Being down in the south in the midst of the disaster though, was unlike anything that you could really imagine. I guess everyone has the media coverage, and all the horrifying newspaper images in their heads, but I think to actually be there in the midst of it is different. To have all your senses assulted with the magnitude of the disaster is a little overwhelming. Walking from relief center to relief center, seeing the field of bodies at each one, picking through the debris on the beach with the stench of rotting corpses hanging thick in the air, never knowing when you might just come upon the next body, talking to people who are searching for loved ones, or who are walking around in a daze still having lost everything, it's a lot to assimilate. It's a lot to deal with.

It's a hard thing to leave behind, especially when this crazy work environment is what I came home to. I had my brother for a week which was nice, but now that he's gone I really miss him. It was nice to have the comfort of a family member at the end of a day full of screaming in another language, and miserable confusion. It's all good though. The school year shall come to an end soon.

So, to my friends who read this regularly to stay in touch with my life, I know I've been a little crazy lately. I'm sorry that all of my blogs have been so negative. I can't promise that they'll change either. This is just my way of getting out frustration. Thank you guys for being supportive though. I love you.

Something for Sarah....

I know that you have been having a rough time, so here's a poem from an Indian poet........

HARD TIMES

"Music is silenced, the dark descending slowly
Has stripped unending skies of all companions.
Weariness grips your limbs and within the locked horizons
Dumbly ring the bells of hugely gathering fears.
Still, O bird, O sightless bird,
Not yet, not yet the time to furl your wings.

It's not melodious woodlands but the leaps and falls
Of an ocean's drowsy booming,
Not a grove bedecked with flowers but a tumult flecked with foam.
Where is the shore that stored your buds and leaves?
Where the nest and the branch's hold?
Still, O bird, my sightless bird,
Not yet, not yet the time to furl your wings.

Stretching in front of you the night's immensity
Hides the western hill where sleeps the distant sun;
Still with bated breath the world is counting time and swimming
Across the shoreless dark a crescent moon
Has thinly just appeared upon the dim horizon.
--But O my bird, O sightless bird,
Not yet, not yet the time to furl your wings.

From upper skies the stars with pointing fingers
Intently watch your course and death's impatience
Lashes at you from the deeps in swirling waves ;
And sad entreaties line the farthest shore
With hands outstretched and crooning
' Come, O come ! ' Still, O bird, O sightless bird,
Not yet, not yet the time to furl your wings.

All that is past: your fears and loves and hopes ;
All that is lost: your words and lamentation ;
No longer yours a home nor a bed composed of flowers.
For wings are all you have, and the sky's broadening countryard,
And the dawn steeped in darkness, lacking all direction.
Dear bird, my sightless bird,
Not yet, not yet the time to furl your wings!"

An adaption from Rabindranath Tagore


There is nothing that can be said to make it better, just know that in a little over 100 days, you will be home, and this time will be nothing but a past memory.....
We all love you Sarah

--0r4cl3

Life Bits

Some of my friends and I went downtown last night to the Bangkok International Film Festival. We saw a European film called Modigliani. It was really good. I haven't seen a really good film since Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and that's been quite a while. I think my roomate and I are going again tonight. That's the plan anyway. Should be fun.

My roomate and I redecorated our little area today. We put stuff on the walls and rearranged. It's so nice to have a roomate. I was only without one for a little while, but I am really glad Erin's here now. We are as different as night and day, but it totally works. I think our differences work as compliments. Whatever the case, I am thankful for her.

One of my students is moving to the U.S. I told her that if she and her family are ever in my area to come stay with us. How crazy it would be to see one of my students outside of Thailand. Talk about a different environment. It would be really cool though. It's funny how you just automatically put a person in the environment that you know them in, and it's just odd to imagine them in any other place. I hope I see her in the U.S.

Is this true?

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence
You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

Stress and Stupidity

We had another meeting at work yesterday. Gotta love those meetings. Nothing like wasting unnecessary amounts of time going in circles and accomplishing nothing. In the end we ended up with only illogical solutions to all of the problems presented and plenty of extra work to do. And when they figure out in a month or less that these ridiculous attempts at solutions are not working, they will restructure again, and we will get even more unnecessary work to do that will continue to accomplish nothing and the pattern will continue. None of us are even really clear on exactly what it is that we're doing because there is no clear communication ever. It's all so ridiculous. I am not the expert on running a school, but I was in school for quite a while before coming here, and I really don't think that this is the way to do it. I can't wait to get out of here.

Sometimes I am sad that my Thailand experience has been so wrapped up in this crazy job. I really like Thailand whenever I am not here, but that is so seldom (since I work and live here) that my whole impression of the country is tainted by my work experience here. Other aspects of the place I like, but the work aspect seems to make everything so miserable, that it takes away from the good things here. Now I just can't wait to leave.

Twenty-Something

Why do I spend time on these dumb quizzes? Because I have a distinct weakness for them. So apparently I am 20. Sounds good to me!

What Age Do You Act?
You Are 20 Years Old
20 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

Faint Traces of Sunlight

The sun rose this morning, and I think it was beautiful, but I can't know for sure because I could only see faint traces of it peeking from behind the crumbling concrete of dingy buildings. I began this day, this week, with the miserable feeling fo dread lying like lead in the pit of my stomach. Why can't I get past this feeling of nausea that accompanies me to work every morning? It's ridiculous. About halfway through the day, however, the lead in the pit of my stomach began to lighten and I began feeling better. It's another gray day today, and I rather like it. It's cooler than usual, and a nice break from the scorching sun and steaming heat that characterizes typical Bangkok weather. My students were obnoxious and defiant this morning, but towards the end of the day I had a couple of well-behaved classes, and the ones who weren't, were at least young enough and cute enough to get away with it. Am I a teacher? Is this really me? Sometimes I love it, but sometimes I wonder. Can I really do this? Well, I am. I don't like my job too much, but it's not really the teaching that I don't like, it's other things... I guess I can only do my best.

Courtesy of J

What Kind of Soul Are You?
According to this quiz, I Am a Traveler Soul:
You're a thrill seeker who loves to be active and on the moveYou love to wander: between places, ideas, and people.A good communicator, you're a nonconformist and interested in the world.You are an explorer, a good storyteller, and a true dreamer.Because you're always on the move, you can be a bit fickle.It's difficult for you to make personal commitments.Don't be so quick to ignore emotional issues and problems.You're much more intuitive and psychic than you think.Souls you are most compatible with: Retrospective Soul and Dreaming Soul

I guess that basically describes me, except for the nonconformist part. I don't think that's me at all. I'm definately fickle, and don't make personal commitments. What do you think?

Gray Day

Today I did nothing, and enjoyed every moment of it. It was rainy and gray today. I didn't leave the building at all until nine o'clock this evening. Today was the perfect day to put on my comfiest clothes, make a cup of hot apple cider (courtesy of Carolyn) and read, write, clean, and be a bum all day. It was nice not to have to go anywhere.

I don't know what's been wrong with me the past couple of weeks, but I've been a big bundle of tension. My stomach has been hurting daily, I've been getting headaches, and I've been so emotional. I cry at the stupidest things. Everytime I encounter my administrator I leave her shaking, and everytime I think about going in to school, I become nauseated. Honestly, this is ridiculous. I don't know what my problem is, but I know that this isn't normal. I need to get over it, whatever it is. Hopefully this week will be better. Lord give me strength.

Anxiety

So I don't want to go in to work so much today that my stomache is sick. I really don't like my working environment that much. Honestly, what is my problem? I have to get over this, or I am going to be miserable for the rest of my life! I don't know what my problem is, but ever since I got back from the tsunami zone I have just wanted to go home. That's all I want to do. I feel bad, because it's not like I don't like Thailand. I do like Thailand, and I know that I should enjoy it while I am here. I know that when I leave I am going to miss it. I am aware of that in my head, but the rest of me just wants to go home. The thing is, going home is scarey too. I need to find a job, a car, a life... Yikes. Right now though, I am so eager to be in a comfortable familiar environment, with people who I know and love, that I don't even care about any of those things. I know I need to cherish the rest of my time here. I don't want to waste it. I know I need to make the most out of it, and I am trying, but lately my heart and my head are at home in southwestern Pennsylvania with my friends and my family, and I can't seem to help it. Sigh.

Yes, I am a thief...

I STOLE this from Jason
(A) First, recommend to me:
1. a movie:
2. a book:
3. a musical artist, song, or album:

(B) I want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions, no more, no less. Ask me anything you want.

(C) Then I want you to go to your journal/blog, copy and paste this and say that you stole it from me.

Mangled Mass of Emotions

Honestly how do you go from sleeping in a field of dead bodies, seeing people's lives destroyed, helping people who are desparately searching for loved ones (who really had no chance of survival) to teaching snobby little children who get everything that they want, and working for people who are so focussed on promoing the school bringing in students to bring in more $$$ that they give only a passing thought to the disaster that has devastated or taken so many lives? Ok, so maybe I am being a bit harsh, a bit unfair. Actually I know I am being way too harsh, but it's hard not to be at the moment. I had no chance to decompress. I went from disaster zone one day to teaching and dealing with all the stress that I hate the next. After this past week everything that I do here seems so meaningless. I am sorry that I am venting, but I figure that it's better for me to get it all out here than during my workday or with the people around me. I came back and fit right back into the mold that I am supposed to fit, went right back to life, but it's miserable. I don't know really what I want though. I don't really want to go back into that disaster zone. I would do it, but it was really hard to handle. Mostly I just want to go back to America and be with all of the people that I love. I am so glad that my brother is here with me still. When he leaves I think I am going to have a minor breakdown. I think I just need to cry and get it out of my system, but I don't want to do it yet. I want to enjoy every moment with Dave still here.

Lord, help. I need Your perspective right now.

Back to life, or something like it

So I am back to life as usual, and I hate every moment of it. I want so badly to get another job. Actually right now I just want to go home to America, to my family, to my friends. I am hating this place right now. I don't want to be here at all. I am hoping that I'll be able to slide into that somewhat more comfortable state of dealing with this job that I was in before, but it may take me a while.

I am alive.

Okay, so I don't have much time to write at the moment, but I thought I'd give a breif update on life in general. Life is... well it's life, which is an awesome thing to me today after the week I've had. Just having life is amazing after the death and destruction that I have seen this week. My brother and I and two other guys hopped on a plane last week to head south to the tsunami zone and see what we could do. I have never seen such devatation. Unbelievable. We spent the week living like hobo's (and smelling like hobos)walking up the devastation zone with backpacks on our backs doing whatever we could to help. I'll write more about those adventures when there is time to write.

All of my friends are ok too. Some of them got on boats leaving the worst struck places only a half an hour before it struck. Talk about miraculous! Thanks for everyone's prayers.

So it's back to work today. I'm not too excited about that. Somehow I have to reformat my brain from extreme disaster mode to teacher mode in a matter of hours. Well, here we go.