sunlight in the hole

So I'm trying this week to stay out of that hole as much as possible, but living in the light of day isn't incredibly easy or comfortable. The hole is appealing. Why are some things so hard? I don't understand myself.

that hole

Do you ever feel so insecure and inadequate that you'd just rather back up into a hole, hide yourself, and watch life from the opening, than participate somewhere where you can be seen and are vulnerable to attack? Eh, but life doesn't happen in that hole, and so I will do my best to drag myself into the light of day until at some point I am comfortable there again.

sunshine

Thank God for the sunshine. If a sunny day can be this depressing can you imagine what a rainy day would be like?

It's been a while...

So I haven't written in a while. Why? Mostly because I don't feel the need to share my psychological distress with the world via the internet. Also because my computer is a dinosaur that is in the process of fossilization and often won't let me post.

What have I been up to lately?
A million meaningless things that both amuse and depress me.

What do you do when people you care about add to your distress and you can't even talk to them about it? I guess you just fake it until you can get over it, until you can climb out of the pit you're in. I'm not very good at faking things though. It only last so long. Sometimes just ignoring things works, but then people bring them to your attention, and remind you that you are in that pit that you were pretending was a castle. How do you climb out of it? Every time I think I've found a ladder it collapses under my wieght. Everytime it collapses I look ridiculous to the crowd of friends at the top of the pit who watch me fall and land on my face. They pretend that they want to help me but the ropes they lower have rotted and crumble as I reach for them. In the end I resent their pity, and determine to make the pit my home.

Shoot Me

Today I bonded with my best friend all day. We went shoppping. I hate shopping, but sometimes it's necessary, and it'always better to do it when you have your mother's gift cards and a little moral support. We also went out for coffee where I think I had most of an emotional breakdown. Jason, this is what happens when you leave me here to survive this place without you. I have had quite a number of emotional breakdowns lately. I am not good at adjusting to change, and yet I seem to be the queen of change. I don't understand myself.

Where is the balance?

I can blog!!! For the first time in weeks my home computer is letting me post! This poor decrepit machine is struggling.

The wedding this past weekend was beautiful. Two of my closest friends from my school in Florida got married. Theirs is the kind of relationship that left me no doubts or concerns when they headed to the altar. Marraige seems pretty scary to me. So many of my friends have gotten married only to encounter major problems which either make the institution miserable or simply break it up. I guess marraige is never a sure thing, but I feel pretty good about this one. I'm really happy for them. As for me, well, I have another lovely bridesmaid's dress to decorate my closet with.

Now I'm home and back to the task of reorganizing my room, and somehow making it work for me. I think that culture shock is starting to catch up with me finally. I have begun to find some things hard to reconcile, American materialism for one. I have to once again find my place in this society that puts such an emphasis on things, on what you have, and how you look. I feel like I don't fit. I'm not as cute as all the other girls I see. I don't have the trendy clothes. I drive a ten year old car (to which I have quite an attatchment). I don't own a cell phone. Half of me feels like a bum for this. It makes me feel insecure. But the other half of me is proud of it. I'm not sure which is right. I'm not sure where the balance is found. Americans have things. It's part of the culture. Most people would have no idea how to live without their things. I wouldn't know how to live without most of my things. But is that healthy?

I find myself looking around me and feeling inferior because of what I lack. The battle has begun. I see things. I want things, but do I need them? Am I less of a person because of what I don't have? Of course not, I know that, but I still find myself struggling with that dumb insecurity. I feel guilty for that insecurity though, because I realize how shallow it is. I have a hard time reconciling the things that I have because of all of the people who I know who have so much less than I have. Where is the balance? What is the right view?

Bob

I chopped all of my hair off yesterday and donated it to charity. Now I'm bald.

I am in Rochester with my roomates from my first college. My roomie's getting married and the rest of us are the bridal party. My life, always the bridesmaid, never the bride. It's all good though. I like being a free spirit. Anyway, it's fun to be back with my friends. It's been three years since we've all been together. It feels like we never parted though. So much fun. Ok, well back to the pre-wedding bliss. I'll blog later.

Catching up...

It's been a while since I have posted. I've been running like crazy. I spent last week in Virginia hanging out with my brother, college friends, and professors. Good times. I loved hanging out down there, it made me miss college. I miss the whole atmosphere. I miss my professors. I was one of those cheesey students who hung out in my professors offices, etc. Yes folks, I am a nerd! I miss having so many people my age around all the time. I miss having so many friends around, always having people to hang out with. So much fun. Probably too much fun.

So this week I am home trying to fit my life back into the room I lived in in high school. Man have I thrown away stuff!!! I have been dumping my stuff in that room and then leaving for a good six years now. It's accumulated a lot of crap!!! Some it of makes me nostalgic. Some just makes me roll my eyes. I've done so many random things the past six years, made so many random friends, and what do I have to show for it? I'm not sure. Pictures. I have a bunch of pictures.

Tomorrow I am leaving for New York. I am in another wedding. It will be good to see people who I haven't seen in years, but I am a little nervous about it. It's gonna be weird. I am not too sure what to expect.

Sorry guys, but for some reason I can only publish the title box lately, so when I figure out how to post, I will post again.

 

Quick Update

I have only been online once since I got back to this lovely country, so I haven't been blogging lately. Right now I am visiting family. They all got together at my grandparents house last night and threw me a little birthday party. It was fun. I got to see relative that I haven't seen in ten years. Today we went to Philly and hung out down there. We went to all the historic site in the city. I really enjoyed hanging out in an American city. It was so clean compared to what I'm used to, and everyone spoke my language. Tomorrow we are going to New York to do the Statue of Liberty, etc. Good times back in the U.S.

Shock to the Senses

I am in the good ol' U.S.A.!!! I landed on U.S. soil in Chicago to strains of the Nutcracker Suite and snow. It disoriented me a bit. I thought that I had been coming home just in time to begin summer, but it felt more like I was coming home for Christmas vacation. Winter wonderland! From a Bangkok summer to U.S. winter, what a shock to the senses!

Everything else has been strangely normal. I thought everything would be odd, that I would have culture shock like I have every other time I have returned to the U.S., but I haven't really. I didn't even experience much jet-lag. Maybe the strangeness just hasn't hit me yet. I don't know. Whatever the case, I am really happy to be home, and to be with my friends and family. I can't wait to see everybody.

Goodbye Thailand Movies

So the movie people are getting annoying. I don't like to have an audience. You would think that I was the one making a movie the way they crowd around the window while I am teaching. Stress.

My evening students took me out to dinner to say goodbye last night. We had so much fun. Sometimes being the only foreigner in a group can be a blast. They are such precious people. I am really going to miss them. At the end of the evening they gave me gifts and the waterworks began. Saying goodbye really sucks! I just keep doing it though. Sigh. And tonight is the final goodbye. That will be rough. At least I'll be able to leave behind those annoying movie makers!

Movie Making

I guess that Bangkok is the LA of Thailand, and that's where I live. Today I walked into the staff room at school and was informed that I will have to change classrooms for the day because a Thai movie company is filming on the school property and they were using my classroom as a makeup room. So odd. The people, equipment, etc. was all out there when I headed to my classroom. I made the mistake of letting my students out for lunch when the lunch bell rang. Apparently they hadn't finished filming a clip, so my poor little grade one and grade two students unknowingly cased quite the ruckus on the set. They were quickly hushed and corralled into a waiting area until the scene was finished. During lunch hour it poured. I have no idea if that disrupted the filming, but the cast hung out all day. So weird.

Cold Wata' and Cold Weatha'

Ok, so the hot water that I was so excited about a couple of posts ago is gone. Sigh. Well it was nice for one day. Only two more days of cold showers and then I get hit with cold weather! We'll see if I can handle it. Don't forget that ice pick!!!

Evening ESL

I love my evening ESL class. I like teaching adults. I love teaching those adults. I always leave that class happy. I always anjoy teaching them. Even when my teaching day at the school has been really long and trying, and I come into the class dreading another hour of teaching, I always leave glad to have come. Tonight we tackled some confusing stuff. They worked so hard at understanding the concepts that I was teaching. I'm glad that English is my first language. I don't envy anyone trying to learn it as an adult. The adults in my class do really well though. I teach Basic I and Basic II, so sometimes communication within the classroom can be challenging. I often resort to my Grade 1 tricks to get a concept across. Sometimes I feel really stupid doing this, but they are great. They laugh at me, but they never make me feel stupid. I like teaching my little ones, but I think I prefer the adults. I love the little ones, but I'd rather babysit them than teach them. Teaching adults is so different. It just works better for me. I am really going to miss that class.

Tonight after my evening class I went bowling with my friends. I bowled a 179. I never do that. I break 100 only on the very best of days. I don't know what was going on today, but it was sure fun!

Hot Wata'

My bathroom has hot water!!! I know that I live in a tropical environment, and that cold water is usually a relief from Bangkok's heat, but sometimes taking a cold shower first thing when you get up in the morning is not a ton of fun. I am quite happy to have a heater for my shower water. I'll enjoy it thouroughly for the next three days. After that it's home to the U.S., land of hot showers and the home of the brave (or something like that).

Things The Teacher Is Still Learning

Disclaimer:
This post has been inspired by Alyssa (who I have never met in my life) and Tom (who I have known for about half of my life).

I am not about to finish my first year of college like the previously mentioned parties. I am, however, less than a week away from boarding a plane that will take me half a world away from Thailand which has been my home this past year, where I held my first "real adult" job, where I have been stretched and stressed, where I have made incredible memories, spent time with amazing people, and learned a lot about myself and about God. So, to follow in Tom and Alyssa's pattern, here are some of the things that I have learned this year, and am still learning, in no particular order:

1.) I have learned that a lot of people hate America, but I am still proud to be an American. I hope to represent it well and maybe I'll alter their view a little.

2.) I will probably never achieve the epitemy of adulthood that I had in my mind, but that's ok. I don't think anybody does.

3.) Not everything in life that is good is fun. Often experiences that are worth the most are not fun at all.

4.) I can handle more than I thought I could, but just because it's possible doesn't mean it's pleasant.

5.) Understanding a person's culture goes a long way toward understanding a person.

6.) God does not place you somewhere. He takes you there and stays with you. He never gives you a situation that He will not give you the strength to handle. He never abandons.

7.) The future will always be uncertain. Even when things seem stable and planned, nothing is sure, but God will always be there.

8.) You're not going to find a job that you love all the time. Even in the best situation life brings moments of unhappiness, that's where perserverence kicks in.

9.) All people are amazing. Even the ones who drive you crazy, there is something amazing about them.

10.) On my own I am nothing.

Week of Lasts

I am beginning my week of lasts. I hate those lasts. Today I went to the weekend market for the last time. I rode the skytrain for what was probably the last time. This week I'll do all of those things that I do on a daily basis here, and it will all be profound because it will be my last time. So sad. I will be sad to leave Thailand, to leave my lifestyle here in Bangkok. I will be sad to leave the markets, the street venders, my favorite food stands, the tuk-tuks, the elephants, the river taxi, the temples on every street corner, the people. I am excited to go home. I know it will be good, but I'm not there yet. Right now I am in the goodbye process, and I'm a little melancholy.

The Night Bus

Well. I'm back in Bangkok. Deona and I caught a night bus last night and headed back. Of course the bus left over an hour late (typical). It also ran out of gas on the side of a hill some where. When it finally started moving again the air conditioning vent above me dripped cold water consistantly everytime I started to fall asleep. I was pretty sure that I had had enough of Songkran, but apparently my air conditioning vent wanted to give me one last taste of the holiday. Oh the joys of bussing across Thailand!

Chillin' Thai Style

I have been wet all day and I am really cold (it's probably well over a hundred out there), but it's been a fun day. A bunch of the teachers that I know stayed at my friends house with me last night. This morning we were walking out of the neighborhood to catch the bus into town when a bunch of Thai people in a pick-up truck pulled up alongside of us and asked if we wanted to hop in. We figured "why not?" and hopped in. They drove us all over town where we got soaked and slimed by a million random people. Other pick-ups full of people drove past us and heaved buckets of water at us, little kids shot us with their squirt guns from their front doors, tourists attacked from every angle. It was soo much fun, and sooo wet! They finally let us off in the Night Bazaar area where we split up to wander around. Elly and I spent to day in this part of the city dodging water and sipping coffee the local Starbucks, and hanging out at a local sidewalk cafe. We chatted with other foreigners, took pictures of the chaos, read, wrote, etc. It was a pretty chilled out mellow kind of chaotic day. Chiiled out in a literal sense as well as a metaphoric sense. This evening Deona and I are going to meet up with some of our Thai friends to hang out. Should be fun. Everyone else is heading back to Bangkok where we'll be heading tomorrow night. Yuk.