What Weekend?

I went to Dreamworld today with a bunch of the Thai teachers. I had no idea what to expect out of the place, but it ended up being a tiny little amusement park. Being with the people that I was with made it so much fun. I love hanging out with them. I want us all to go ice-skating sometime soon. Now that will be an interesting experience. I told them that I would teach them how to skate. We shall see how that goes over. I can't wait.

Yesterday we had a huge Expo at my school. I managed a boothe promoting the college that I graduated from. I helped one young man actually fill out and send in his application. He is completely planning on going there in the fall. It will be really funny to see him there when I go down to visit my brother or something. Other than him, I have very little interest and very few visitors, which made the day fairly uneventful and slightly boring. It was really hot. We were all sitting in puddles of sweat by mid-morning. The day was really long and tiring (mainly because of the heat) but it was pretty good.

I can't believe that tomorrow is the beginning of another work week. I hope it goes as fast as the last one. We have new schedules once again which gives each of the foreign teachers an extra class everyday. It makes a little more work for us, but I actually kind of enjoy it. My new class is actually decently behaved, and enjoyable to teach, and the extra work causes time to go faster. I hope this week is decent.

Unwanted Affection Again

Once again little notes and gifts are showing up on my doorstep and on my desk. It all smells strangely familiar, like I've experienced this before. Oh, wait, I have, a couple of times, and each time this started up I asked for it to stop, and then the guy behind it all sulked until the next time he started it all up. Yet another reason why I will be happy to leave this school. I will escape the never-ending, very unwanted affection of a certain person here. I don't even leave hints, I make requests. It's not like I am beating around the bush. Why can he not just leave me alone? If things haven't changed since I got here, and now I am planning on moving back to the U.S., why won't he just let it go? I do not understand, but I am thoroughly annoyed.

Hair-loss, Heart Talk

I am losing hair. I think that I am going to go home bald. I wonder how I would look bald? I wonder why I am losing hair? Probably stress. I should just shave my head and be done with it.

Once again I woke up this morning with a knot in my stomach. Of course then I fed it coffee which cannot be a good thing. If I don't kill my stomach with coffee in the morning though, then my head will kill me and I have a much higher chance of killing my students during the day. We wouldn't want that, and so I will continue on the road to an ulcer. Do I sound unhealthy or what?

Jase asked me yesteday if all of stuff I saw in the south when I was helping with tsunami relief may have affected my stress level. Another girl who went down there the week that I got home from it said that she thought it may be affecting her that way. I have no idea how much that kind of stuff can affect you, but maybe it has something to do with it all. I don't really know a ton about stuff like that. I never even took a psychology class.

I know that I am really glad I went. I think that it would have been a shame for me to be available and here at a time like that and not go to do what I could. I also know that it was really hard. For the most part I was fine while I was down there, but coming home to Bangkok was the rough part. Going back to my job has been extremely difficult, especially since we all know I like my job so much.

Being down in the south in the midst of the disaster though, was unlike anything that you could really imagine. I guess everyone has the media coverage, and all the horrifying newspaper images in their heads, but I think to actually be there in the midst of it is different. To have all your senses assulted with the magnitude of the disaster is a little overwhelming. Walking from relief center to relief center, seeing the field of bodies at each one, picking through the debris on the beach with the stench of rotting corpses hanging thick in the air, never knowing when you might just come upon the next body, talking to people who are searching for loved ones, or who are walking around in a daze still having lost everything, it's a lot to assimilate. It's a lot to deal with.

It's a hard thing to leave behind, especially when this crazy work environment is what I came home to. I had my brother for a week which was nice, but now that he's gone I really miss him. It was nice to have the comfort of a family member at the end of a day full of screaming in another language, and miserable confusion. It's all good though. The school year shall come to an end soon.

So, to my friends who read this regularly to stay in touch with my life, I know I've been a little crazy lately. I'm sorry that all of my blogs have been so negative. I can't promise that they'll change either. This is just my way of getting out frustration. Thank you guys for being supportive though. I love you.

Something for Sarah....

I know that you have been having a rough time, so here's a poem from an Indian poet........

HARD TIMES

"Music is silenced, the dark descending slowly
Has stripped unending skies of all companions.
Weariness grips your limbs and within the locked horizons
Dumbly ring the bells of hugely gathering fears.
Still, O bird, O sightless bird,
Not yet, not yet the time to furl your wings.

It's not melodious woodlands but the leaps and falls
Of an ocean's drowsy booming,
Not a grove bedecked with flowers but a tumult flecked with foam.
Where is the shore that stored your buds and leaves?
Where the nest and the branch's hold?
Still, O bird, my sightless bird,
Not yet, not yet the time to furl your wings.

Stretching in front of you the night's immensity
Hides the western hill where sleeps the distant sun;
Still with bated breath the world is counting time and swimming
Across the shoreless dark a crescent moon
Has thinly just appeared upon the dim horizon.
--But O my bird, O sightless bird,
Not yet, not yet the time to furl your wings.

From upper skies the stars with pointing fingers
Intently watch your course and death's impatience
Lashes at you from the deeps in swirling waves ;
And sad entreaties line the farthest shore
With hands outstretched and crooning
' Come, O come ! ' Still, O bird, O sightless bird,
Not yet, not yet the time to furl your wings.

All that is past: your fears and loves and hopes ;
All that is lost: your words and lamentation ;
No longer yours a home nor a bed composed of flowers.
For wings are all you have, and the sky's broadening countryard,
And the dawn steeped in darkness, lacking all direction.
Dear bird, my sightless bird,
Not yet, not yet the time to furl your wings!"

An adaption from Rabindranath Tagore


There is nothing that can be said to make it better, just know that in a little over 100 days, you will be home, and this time will be nothing but a past memory.....
We all love you Sarah

--0r4cl3

Life Bits

Some of my friends and I went downtown last night to the Bangkok International Film Festival. We saw a European film called Modigliani. It was really good. I haven't seen a really good film since Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and that's been quite a while. I think my roomate and I are going again tonight. That's the plan anyway. Should be fun.

My roomate and I redecorated our little area today. We put stuff on the walls and rearranged. It's so nice to have a roomate. I was only without one for a little while, but I am really glad Erin's here now. We are as different as night and day, but it totally works. I think our differences work as compliments. Whatever the case, I am thankful for her.

One of my students is moving to the U.S. I told her that if she and her family are ever in my area to come stay with us. How crazy it would be to see one of my students outside of Thailand. Talk about a different environment. It would be really cool though. It's funny how you just automatically put a person in the environment that you know them in, and it's just odd to imagine them in any other place. I hope I see her in the U.S.

Is this true?

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence
You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

Stress and Stupidity

We had another meeting at work yesterday. Gotta love those meetings. Nothing like wasting unnecessary amounts of time going in circles and accomplishing nothing. In the end we ended up with only illogical solutions to all of the problems presented and plenty of extra work to do. And when they figure out in a month or less that these ridiculous attempts at solutions are not working, they will restructure again, and we will get even more unnecessary work to do that will continue to accomplish nothing and the pattern will continue. None of us are even really clear on exactly what it is that we're doing because there is no clear communication ever. It's all so ridiculous. I am not the expert on running a school, but I was in school for quite a while before coming here, and I really don't think that this is the way to do it. I can't wait to get out of here.

Sometimes I am sad that my Thailand experience has been so wrapped up in this crazy job. I really like Thailand whenever I am not here, but that is so seldom (since I work and live here) that my whole impression of the country is tainted by my work experience here. Other aspects of the place I like, but the work aspect seems to make everything so miserable, that it takes away from the good things here. Now I just can't wait to leave.

Twenty-Something

Why do I spend time on these dumb quizzes? Because I have a distinct weakness for them. So apparently I am 20. Sounds good to me!

What Age Do You Act?
You Are 20 Years Old
20 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

Faint Traces of Sunlight

The sun rose this morning, and I think it was beautiful, but I can't know for sure because I could only see faint traces of it peeking from behind the crumbling concrete of dingy buildings. I began this day, this week, with the miserable feeling fo dread lying like lead in the pit of my stomach. Why can't I get past this feeling of nausea that accompanies me to work every morning? It's ridiculous. About halfway through the day, however, the lead in the pit of my stomach began to lighten and I began feeling better. It's another gray day today, and I rather like it. It's cooler than usual, and a nice break from the scorching sun and steaming heat that characterizes typical Bangkok weather. My students were obnoxious and defiant this morning, but towards the end of the day I had a couple of well-behaved classes, and the ones who weren't, were at least young enough and cute enough to get away with it. Am I a teacher? Is this really me? Sometimes I love it, but sometimes I wonder. Can I really do this? Well, I am. I don't like my job too much, but it's not really the teaching that I don't like, it's other things... I guess I can only do my best.

Courtesy of J

What Kind of Soul Are You?
According to this quiz, I Am a Traveler Soul:
You're a thrill seeker who loves to be active and on the moveYou love to wander: between places, ideas, and people.A good communicator, you're a nonconformist and interested in the world.You are an explorer, a good storyteller, and a true dreamer.Because you're always on the move, you can be a bit fickle.It's difficult for you to make personal commitments.Don't be so quick to ignore emotional issues and problems.You're much more intuitive and psychic than you think.Souls you are most compatible with: Retrospective Soul and Dreaming Soul

I guess that basically describes me, except for the nonconformist part. I don't think that's me at all. I'm definately fickle, and don't make personal commitments. What do you think?

Gray Day

Today I did nothing, and enjoyed every moment of it. It was rainy and gray today. I didn't leave the building at all until nine o'clock this evening. Today was the perfect day to put on my comfiest clothes, make a cup of hot apple cider (courtesy of Carolyn) and read, write, clean, and be a bum all day. It was nice not to have to go anywhere.

I don't know what's been wrong with me the past couple of weeks, but I've been a big bundle of tension. My stomach has been hurting daily, I've been getting headaches, and I've been so emotional. I cry at the stupidest things. Everytime I encounter my administrator I leave her shaking, and everytime I think about going in to school, I become nauseated. Honestly, this is ridiculous. I don't know what my problem is, but I know that this isn't normal. I need to get over it, whatever it is. Hopefully this week will be better. Lord give me strength.

Anxiety

So I don't want to go in to work so much today that my stomache is sick. I really don't like my working environment that much. Honestly, what is my problem? I have to get over this, or I am going to be miserable for the rest of my life! I don't know what my problem is, but ever since I got back from the tsunami zone I have just wanted to go home. That's all I want to do. I feel bad, because it's not like I don't like Thailand. I do like Thailand, and I know that I should enjoy it while I am here. I know that when I leave I am going to miss it. I am aware of that in my head, but the rest of me just wants to go home. The thing is, going home is scarey too. I need to find a job, a car, a life... Yikes. Right now though, I am so eager to be in a comfortable familiar environment, with people who I know and love, that I don't even care about any of those things. I know I need to cherish the rest of my time here. I don't want to waste it. I know I need to make the most out of it, and I am trying, but lately my heart and my head are at home in southwestern Pennsylvania with my friends and my family, and I can't seem to help it. Sigh.

Yes, I am a thief...

I STOLE this from Jason
(A) First, recommend to me:
1. a movie:
2. a book:
3. a musical artist, song, or album:

(B) I want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions, no more, no less. Ask me anything you want.

(C) Then I want you to go to your journal/blog, copy and paste this and say that you stole it from me.

Mangled Mass of Emotions

Honestly how do you go from sleeping in a field of dead bodies, seeing people's lives destroyed, helping people who are desparately searching for loved ones (who really had no chance of survival) to teaching snobby little children who get everything that they want, and working for people who are so focussed on promoing the school bringing in students to bring in more $$$ that they give only a passing thought to the disaster that has devastated or taken so many lives? Ok, so maybe I am being a bit harsh, a bit unfair. Actually I know I am being way too harsh, but it's hard not to be at the moment. I had no chance to decompress. I went from disaster zone one day to teaching and dealing with all the stress that I hate the next. After this past week everything that I do here seems so meaningless. I am sorry that I am venting, but I figure that it's better for me to get it all out here than during my workday or with the people around me. I came back and fit right back into the mold that I am supposed to fit, went right back to life, but it's miserable. I don't know really what I want though. I don't really want to go back into that disaster zone. I would do it, but it was really hard to handle. Mostly I just want to go back to America and be with all of the people that I love. I am so glad that my brother is here with me still. When he leaves I think I am going to have a minor breakdown. I think I just need to cry and get it out of my system, but I don't want to do it yet. I want to enjoy every moment with Dave still here.

Lord, help. I need Your perspective right now.

Back to life, or something like it

So I am back to life as usual, and I hate every moment of it. I want so badly to get another job. Actually right now I just want to go home to America, to my family, to my friends. I am hating this place right now. I don't want to be here at all. I am hoping that I'll be able to slide into that somewhat more comfortable state of dealing with this job that I was in before, but it may take me a while.

I am alive.

Okay, so I don't have much time to write at the moment, but I thought I'd give a breif update on life in general. Life is... well it's life, which is an awesome thing to me today after the week I've had. Just having life is amazing after the death and destruction that I have seen this week. My brother and I and two other guys hopped on a plane last week to head south to the tsunami zone and see what we could do. I have never seen such devatation. Unbelievable. We spent the week living like hobo's (and smelling like hobos)walking up the devastation zone with backpacks on our backs doing whatever we could to help. I'll write more about those adventures when there is time to write.

All of my friends are ok too. Some of them got on boats leaving the worst struck places only a half an hour before it struck. Talk about miraculous! Thanks for everyone's prayers.

So it's back to work today. I'm not too excited about that. Somehow I have to reformat my brain from extreme disaster mode to teacher mode in a matter of hours. Well, here we go.